Tale of the Twin Wizards [The Purple Stew Redux]

A revised excerpt from the Tale of the Twin Wizards.

The Purple Stew
For many years Anastican had been improving his recipe for purple stew. Through great experiments with exotic ingredients, Anastican's stew gradually achieved more and more favor among the residents of Tinsley. At some point it was recognized that Purple stew satisfied their hunger like no other food in all the land. People came from miles around to taste Anastican's purple stew, and all who consumed it were lifted to good spirits from its delicious flavor. In the evenings all would gather in Tinsley's public house, and Anastican would pass a single bowl of purple stew to be consumed by all who hungered for it. Drank directly from the bowl, there was always enough to satisfy everyone who had gathered, and not one drop more. After eating purple stew in the public house, the angry grew content, the content grew cheerful, and the cheerful grew outright silly. In fact, it was well known that no two people with bellies full of purple stew were capable of fighting with one another. Oh sure, they may argue and bicker as Balthizan and Anastican would on the mountain top, but blood was never spilled after a meal including Anastican's purple stew. As much as Anastican was dismissed and ridiculed for his many inadequacies, no one with the characteristic purple lips could deny the delightful tastiness of his stew.

Balthizan enjoyed Anastican's purple stew as much as anyone in Tinsley village, but he also grew to despise it. Oh, yes, it was the one thing Anastican had that he did not, but, this alone did not trouble Balthizan. Balthizan, like all in Tinsley, had nothing but the highest regard for the talents of others, particularly those talents that he did not have himself. No, Balthizan's sorrow was great for another, much more unenviable reason: With all his might and love for his fellow villagers, he wanted nothing more than to help Tinsley...to protect them from danger of every kind. But, because of Anastican, he feared that Tinsley no longer required his protection...

You see, before Anastican had perfected his recipe for purple stew, the Village of Tinsley was afflicted by a persistent and awful terror. It was a scourge so horrific that all who remember it wish they did not. Well, almost all...

In those days, the tranquil peace of Tinsley would frequently be interrupted by a faint and disruptive sound. While hardly noticeable at first, it instantly sent shivers down the spine of every villager. Harsh and distinctive, the coo-cooing gradually increased in volume until it echoed off the tall mountain slopes; an intense and desperate wailing. All would look to the horizon with trepidation, wishing their ears had deceived them. But, all such hopes would be squashed as they watched the ominous, majestic, gray wings slowly materialize, flapping against the distant sky. They were Gridgeons...great pigeons...and they were quite unwelcome. While their marvelous feathery plumage might have deceived the casual observer, make no mistake, the Gridgeon was no dove. Yet, for all its ill-repute, the bird would be of mere annoyance if not for the whip of its infamous rider, the hideous, warty, MEGAtoad. Mounted upon the Gridgeon, the MEGAtoad was a toad of terror so nefarious, so unsavory, that saintly kings and ruthless barbarians alike still shiver upon their mention.

While I could describe the nature and characteristics of this foul creature, there is no better way illustrate its sinister awfulness than recounting the MEGAtoad's first, surprise assault on the village of Tinsley.

In that first invasion, the town of Tinsley was completely unaware a creature such as a MEGAtoad could exist, much less the fact the unsightly Gridgeon could be trained as a bird of burden. That day was calm, and pleasant, and the first faint coo-coos went completely ignored. You see, at the time, Grideons were not an uncommon nuisance, and one would occasionally flutter upon a roof, bending rafters with its great weight. There it would perch, its head poking up above the highest church steeple for all the town to see. Generally one of the school children would be summoned to pelt it with rocks from a slingshot. The Gridgeon was easily annoyed by this, and would quickly flap away. They were silly birds. All and all they weren't so bad, and might even be tolerated if not for their enormous and unpredictable droppings. (It is well known an evacuation from one Gridgeon is sufficient in size to bury an unsuspecting man alive.)

Anyway, the villagers were so busy that morning they did not hear the coo-cooing even as it grew very near. Most did not see, even at the last moment, that there was not one Gridgeon, but hundreds, floating over their humble village. Witnesses who did observe their arrival report a MEGAtoad one quarter the size of a man was saddled upon each one, and they swooped from the clouds as these MEGAtoads leaped to the rooftops below, wreaking havoc of all kinds on the carefully placed shingles. But, roof damage was only the beginning. Their fireproof reptilian flesh allowed them to hop down chimneys, which they did with great enthusiasm. The MEGAtoad's arrival in a house was marked by a shower of sparks as it crashed into the burning embers of the fireplace. This first assault quite startled unsuspecting children who happened to be warming themselves, particularly as they observed a plump, wart-laden MEGAtoad suddenly staring at them from the flames.

Stunned, the roasting Megatoad would sit upon the burning log for several minutes as the household gathered to observe this incredible manifestation. Recalling that first invasion makes one shudder, as none could have possibly known the impending carnage. Heated to a glowing red, the tempered toad would awaken and leap from the flames with lightning speed.

Then, its rampage would begin.

The MEGAtoad would hop through the house, ingesting one valuable after another with imperceptibly fast lashes of its long, adhesive tongue. Vases, cookware, and even drapery would be snatched so fast one could hardly imagine the MEGAtoad was responsible. Families would watch the MEGAtoad pilfer entire estates without the slightest knowledge a thieving MEGAtoad was in their midst. They simply thought their property was disappearing!

Within the hour, the Gridgeon would return to pick up the bloated MEGAtoads. They would gather them from the streets with their distinctive claws, lifting them into the sky. But, their assault was not complete. Stuffed with property, the MEGAtoad was not easy to carry, and Gridgeons would need to remove excessive weight in any way they could. As the birds ascended, screaming villagers fled for cover as dozens of Gridgeons emptied their bowels in a bombardment of avian excrement. By the time all of the MEGAtoads were recouped, the town was relieved if its possessions and left trudging knee-deep in a thick slurry of Gidgeon waste. It was a fate so sudden and dramatic that all villagers were left in a state of stunned confusion, waiting to awaken from their terrifying nightmare.

But, it was no nightmare. It was real, and it happened so fast that Balthizan had not even awoken from his nap. Finally, he emerged from his cottage and was shocked to discover the moaning of distressed villagers shoveling each other out of the unpleasant white bog that had replaced the streets. Some were buried up to their shoulders, struggling to break free before their prison hardened around them. He looked into the distance and saw the flock of Gridgeons flapping over the mountains. He returned to his cottage and began studying spells, determined to stop the scourge of the MEGAtoad from ever happening again. This is when he found spell 101: "Lightning Bolt." He would not stop studying until he got it right.

One year later, just as Tinsley had finally been cleaned and the buildings had finally been repaired, the flock of Gridgeons returned. All in town panicked at the first sign of coo-cooing, and ran for cover, but Balthizan jumped to action. He ran to the bell tower and climbed to the very top. He waited until he could see the MEGAtoad's warts and then began blasting them with powerful bolts. The birds scattered in a flurry of cooing and giant feathers showered the land just outside the city walls. All watched the impressive spectacle as Balthizan became Tinsley's hero and savior. Not one MEGAtoad pilfered one piece of property. A great feast was thrown in Balthizan's honor and he was showered with many gifts. After all, if Balthizan had not warded off the MEGAtoads, the town would have nothing left at all.

Balthizan kept the MEGAtoads at bay for many years, and discouraged, their raids became less frequent.

Then one day there was a knock at the village gate. When the guard looked through the tiny window he saw something very unexpected...a MEGAtoad! He was startled at first, but decided there was no reason to be rude.

"I'm sorry, I cannot let you in. MEGAtoads are not permitted within the walls of Tinsley."

"Please, my family and I have lost our Gridgeon, and we have nowhere to go. Please help us. We promise not to steal anything."

To make a long story short, this particular MEGAtoad entered the village, and immediately began plotting to snatch as many valuable things as he could stuff inside himself. (He was a MEGAtoad, a toad of terror, what's he gonna do?) But, before he began looting, he decided to eat a meal at the public house. And, there, he was passed a bowl of Anastican's purple stew.

The MEGAtoad took the bowl, put it to his lips, and began drinking it. He slurped and gulped it down ravenously, pouring the stew down his very large throat. He tipped the bowl up, intending to finish it, but he could not. Even though his belly was of an incredible capacity, capable of holding a household-worth of plunder, the capacity of the bowl was greater. He continued to eat, spreading purple all over himself and the villagers next to him, who cheerfully encouraged him.

Finally, the MEGAtoad tilted the bowl down and sat still in what appeared to be slight intoxication. A moment later, BbbbBBBEEELCH! He, shook his head and everyone in the public house cheered. He passed the bowl to everyone in his family, who followed suit, and then all four MEGAtoads hopped out the door.

They proceeded down the street and found a nice little house that would be perfect for looting. But, they were too full. They all knew they could not fit enough stuff down their bellies. The small amount that could fit simply wouldn't be worth the trip. So, they stayed at the inn and decided to postpone their thievery until the next morning. When they awoke, they were hungry, and decided it was time to pillage, but they all agreed a light breakfast was in order first. Again, they were passed the bowl, and couldn't help but engorge themselves completely with the delicious purple stew.

This scenario continued for the next several days, until the family of MEGAtoads finally decided they would rather live in Tinsley than loot it. They wanted to be close to the purple stew. Before long, they invited all their friends to visit Tinsley, and they all were all able to consume enough purple stew to keep themselves bloated, happy, and uninterested in thievery of any kind.

No one in Tinsley minded the arrival of the peaceful MEGAtoads. Everyone knew that the bowl could never be depleted until everyone in the public house was satisfied. And, the people of Tinsley very much enjoyed exchange and companionship with these strange MEGAtoads. All the people of Tinsley, that is, except Balthizan...

Balthizan grew very sad...for he was so powerful and capable with his lightning bolt, and he felt that his great talents were being wasted. Sure, he danced and sang during his meals of purple stew in the public house with the villagers and MEGAtoads, but in the mornings he would awaken with anger and spite. He secretly wished more than anything for an enemy to raid the village. Then, he would be able to prove his might once more and assure all that he was the most famous and honorable wizard in all the land. After all, why did Anastican deserve such glory? All he did was cook dinner. Balthizan decided that Anastican was not really the one responsible for the peace of Tinsley village. He was. After all, he figured it was the fear of his lightning bolt that kept other invaders away anyway. He thought all of these things in silence, and knew they could not be mentioned. After all, he was still honored in the village far more than anyone else, and certainly more than Anastican.