Gunther's Great Campaign

Gunther sat upon his throne,
and sighed a long and lazy groan.
"No siege, no war, no plague or threat,
how boring can a kingdom get?!"

"No ramparts flecked with clanking swords.
No raids from savage, shrieking hordes.
No banging drums or ramming logs.
No droves of oinking battle hogs."

Just the lightest, wistful breeze
softly buffeting the trees.
Gunthor sulked, he shed a tear.
A king's agenda, free and clear.

So he mastered tic-tac-toe...
and bought a fiddle for his bow...
carved a totem with some ruffles...
trained his hogs to hunt for truffles.

He even bought a royal boat
to sail around the castle moat.
But no hobby would suffice,
or any toy, at any price...

Then the royal crier shouted.
"Lord, some dissidence hath sprouted.
Subjects do not care to pay
to watch you sail your boat all day."

Gunter sulked, he had to frown.
He did not mean to let them down.
If only bygone foes would wake.
Just one more siege? For old time's sake?

Alas, not one hostile flea.
And subjects would not let him be.
"Make it better" was their call. Wait!
Was he needed after all?

"The folks all say that change is good.
Improve my kingdom? Yes, I should!"
And what makes a kingdom great?
"Great people! These I must create!"

Council, tell me, please explain
the traits of whom I shall ordain.
What describes our kingdom's idol?
Drumphle, what deserves this title?

"YOUR MAJESTY, SO GREAT AND STRONG
NO NEED TO DRAG THIS OUT TOO LONG!
POWER, MIGHT, AND COURAGE REIGN!
FOR MEN AND KINGDOMS, BOTH THE SAME!"

“It isn’t so, your highness fair,”
objected a most proud Pierre.
“Grace in speech and looks that shine,
without these what can be divine?”

Gunther saw each point of view,
but couldn’t decide between the two.
“Melvin, oh so shrewd and old,
which man’s words shall I uphold?”

"Royal highness, wise and just,
for this I grant eternal trust:
Of greatness, one above his brother,
not one soul can best another."

The king was dour, and not amused.
He did not like to be confused.
So the three received their orders:
“Find the greatest in these borders!”

Drumphle shouted: "LET'S BEGIN!"
A soldier entered, tall and trim.
"WELL, GOOD EVENING TO YA MATE!
TELL US WHAT MAKES YOU SO GREAT!"

"DRAGONS SIRS, YES, TWO NOW SLAIN!
I ITCH TO FACE ONE YET AGAIN!
I AM GREAT BECAUSE I FIGHT!
I DO SO EVERY DAY AND NIGHT!"

Drumphle smiled, his thumb went high.
"GENTLEMEN, WE'VE GOT OUR GUY!
NOT ANOTHER IN THE LAND
HAS SLAIN ONE DRAGON WITH HIS HAND!

Pierre abruptly shook his head.
"Drumphle, look, his shoes are red.
No, it's just, this cannot do....
Heavens no, his socks are blue!"

Melvin turned, but would not say.
"My thumb need not go either way.
For one so great all must agree.
My vote, it would not count, you see?"

And in they came, all through the night.
Pierre and Drumphle, black and white.
Melvin dropped his lazy head.
He slept the night away instead.

Morn arrived, he felt a tap,
arousing Melvin from his nap.
Both their hands came into view.
Not one thumb was up, but two!

Melvin shook his head and sighed.
His thumb went down, the last, denied.
"Greatness is not ours to buy
not for all the Earth and sky."

Gunther stormed right through the door.
"I see not one could make the score.
None has greatness as he ought?!
This is far worse than I thought."

"Drumphle, front and center, please.
This kingdom has a bad disease,
each poor soul whom you dismissed,
into your army, will enlist."

"And you, Pierre, to fix this scourge
will take the ones among your purge.
Lead them from the stone ramparts
and train them in the finer arts."

"Go now, fix this awful mess.
Greatness! I demand no less.
Repair this broken population!
Or, endure harsh reprobation."

Pierre did what his king had said.
Exchanged their swords for spools of thread.
Guards and archers, strong and nimble,
traded gauntlets for a thimble.

Drumphle marched the student body
through the mud, unkempt and bawdy.
Took their brushes, pens, and locks,
and sent complainers to the stocks.

Progress swiftly underway,
it hastened through each night and day
"Do your best, for Gunther's sake!"
The kingdom's greatness was at stake.

Pierre was skilled and Drumphle bold,
but training soon required gold.
Gunther trusted their advice.
"Greatness! Yes! AT ANY PRICE!"

"Glitter Wagons? Oh what fun!"
But who needs glitter by the ton?
"Giant doilies? What is this?"
Something, plainly, was amiss.

"Lordship! Help! We have a mess!
A kingdom under great duress!"
Gunther nodded, filled with fret,
descended promptly into debt...

...

Greatness had all but expired.
Something drastic was required.
"To arms!" Gunther called the three,
"A war on mediocrity!"

Melvin gasped, "with due respect.
Reason prompts me to object."
Greatness, sir, comes from within.
A war to gain it cannot win!"

While they pondered Melvin's notion
Outside hummed a loud commotion.
Subjects gathered in the square
Demanding what was just and fair.

Gunther feared he was a goner,
having spent all but his honor.
Blunders rife, and widely known,
he surely would be overthrown.

But the sight was not so grim.
Their demands were not of him.
They knew what was fair and just.
It came from one another's trust.

Spindly builders offered tools
to husky tailors for their spools,
sewed some nifty shirts to swap,
and in turn received a shop!

Everywhere was restoration,
town alive with inspiration.
Building, fixing, helping others,
former subjects now like brothers.

"A lovely and forthright surprise!"
Greatness sprung before his eyes.
But poor Gunther was forlorn.
He'd only ruled, since he was born.

So he walked into the bustle.
None were looking for a tussle.
On a stump so all could see,
he offered his wholehearted plea.

"No, a builder I am not,
I can't even tie a knot.
But my service, it is yours,
How can I help your homes and stores?"

The people, an ambitious crew
had thought about his function too.
They handed him a special doily,
which he raised before him coyly.

"ON THIS DOILY, LOOK TO SEE
THE SUM OF YOUR AUTHORITY:
WHEN THERE IS NO SIEGE OR THREAT
YOU MUST NOT MAKE ONE! DON'T FORGET!"

"YOUR DUTY, SIR, IS TO PREVENT
ALL RULING WITHOUT OUR CONSENT.
NO TAKING SWORDS, NO GIVING SPOOLS
NO BREAKING THESE IMPORTANT RULES."

"IF YOU PLEDGE TO LET US BE
TO BUILD OUR KINGDOM OF THE FREE
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR HOME AND MOAT
WE'LL EVEN LET YOU KEEP YOUR BOAT."

Scanning each and every word,
he was amazed and reassured.
"The doily rules! Yes, I'll respect it,
preserve, protect, and defend it!"

All the people cheered and sang,
and up above, they heard a bang.
Glitter sparkled from the sky.
Throughout that warm night in July.

Gunther walked back to his throne.
The smile on his face had grown.
"No siege, no war, no plague or threat,
how greater can a kingdom get?!"