The Fast Track to the American Dream

Long ago in the dark days of the 19th century Americans toiled through great adversity to carve out their piece of the American dream. Those unfortunate enough to be born in this era were destined to suffer the harsh realities of the time; hardships unimaginable today:

• Terror: The US Government was so small and weak that it couldn't even deploy troops to Lithuania in the midst of rampant autocratic oppression. Dictators around the world roamed free to terrify and subjugate the local population.
  
• Brutality in the Marketplace: Insolvent companies, even big ones, suffered the barbaric nature of competition and were fed to the dogs. Sometimes even rich people lost a lot of money. Employees sometimes even needed to find new jobs. Government wasn't there to keep even the worst businesses afloat.
  
• Job Required: Men, comprising half the population, labored. There was simply no alternative. Hard working farmers were so desperate they sometimes ate their own produce and livestock.
• Reefer Madness: No law forbade the inhalation, ownership, or sale of the intoxicating plant, Marihuana. Barbarians.
  

We can be thankful that those days are long gone. The US now protects the world, unsuccessful companies large enough do not fail, no job required, and reefer is against the law. Whew...

Oh how far we have come, but these is much to be done: ID cards to prove we are not terrorists, every phone call monitored for our safety, the liberation of Norway.

With almost no effort at all the American Dream can be yours too! The plan is simple...you can do one of two things:

• The High Road: Become completely invested in any business too big to fail. You have absolutely nothing to lose. Leech off sorry tax payers surreptitiously (that means without them knowing about it). Profit and enjoy the glee that comes along with stealing legally. Yes, you are so, so smart. And yes, you have achieved the American Dream.
• The Higher Road: Leech off friends, neighbors, and strangers. Obviously you would rather leech from strangers, so use government and go on unemployment or welfare. If you are a woman, have a lot of illegitimate children - they don't eat nearly as much as the government thinks they do. Make sure the fathers are successful drug dealers so you can get more child support by threatening to rat on them. Worst case...remember that the government will not let you starve or freeze to death, even when your friends and family disown you. DO NOT FALTER - Once you show capability, the rouse is blown. You must be dedicated to complete worthlessness. Become dependent on some narcotic or alcohol to make this easy. Bereft of any productive activity you have attained the easy road to the American Dream. The government has already claimed responsibility for you, all you need to do is ride that wave.
• The Path to Destruction: Honest work. Work is your worst enemy. NEVER FORGET that all the smart people are already living on easy street. If they took the high road they got there by withdrawing money from your paycheck to deposit in their bank account. If they took the higher road they are withdrawing money from your paycheck to feed their kids and likely an expensive appetite for drugs.
  

Adapting to reality is difficult for some, but especially the skilled, educated, and talented. These folks must remember that the modern world does not need or want them unless they have a talent for accounting fraud, larceny, or public manipulation. After all, what is corruption in a system that has evolved to favor it?

If you absolutely must work, be smart about it...scholars, professors, scientists, engineers, the rules have changed. America's best and brightest are now called to combine forces and skin the hide of every conceivable victim on behalf of the man. If you're really good, you can get Ma and Paw to fork over half their paycheck to you rather than their kids' education through hidden fees veiled in the form of higher prices through corporate taxation. Then, give their kids a sub-par public education. Brilliant! Their kids won't understand either!

Ooooh, the sky's the limit! No one is watching...they're all working too damn hard to notice.

If you actually work you are a masochist doing what the government has already promised it can do for you. Don't you know we live in a "free" country, one which has traded equality, liberty, and justice for free stuff - as much as you can get away with? Live it up!

This is the land of opportunity, and there has never been more opportunity to legally beg, steal, and otherwise swindle from those silly little exhausted gerbils running on their little wheels for us. They may look like they are running fast, but they can go faster, and they will. Just watch the value of the dollar drop and they will be running their little feet bloody for our little drug habit...such losers.

Come on people, wake up, buy some stock in Fanny Mae or take a nice big hit. When that last gerbil finally dies from exhaustion there might be some consequences to pay, but until then, it appears to be open season.