Kielbasa

Doctor: I have good news. We found the cause of your illness.
Patient: That is good news. What is it?
Doctor: You have a chronic metabolic disease.
Patient: What does that mean?
Doctor: That means your diet is deficient in something.
Patient: But I have a healthy diet.
Doctor: No you don't.
Patient: Yes I do. I eat nothing but healthy fruits and vegetables.
Doctor: You aren't getting one particular thing your body needs. It's slowly killing you.
Patient: What am I lacking?
Doctor: Sausage.
Patient: Excuse me?
Doctor: You need to eat more kielbasa sausage. Two per week should do it.
Patient: But I don't eat meat. I am a vegetarian.
Doctor: You can be a living omnivore, or a dead vegetarian, your choice. I can't force you to eat anything. I'm just telling you the facts.
Patient: Why should I listen to you? You aren't even a licensed!
Doctor: True. I was even arrested for prescribing kielbasa.
Patient: See, this is a scam!
Doctor: Leave if you want, but I'm the only one who will tell you the truth. I gave up my lucrative career in favor of my current practice. Here's the deal. Through my independent research I found that diseases such as yours can only be treated through nutrition. Since no drug company can patent kielbasa, it has absolutely no value to them, and will never be prescribed. I was educated at schools endowed and administrated by drug companies who match ailments with drugs rather than discover viable prevention measures through diet. They make a lot of money that way. In fact, that is the only way they make money. I could treat one of your symptoms with a pill manufactured by some drug company. You will live a couple years. But, you will certainly die soon without kielbasa.
Patient: Are you accusing all respectable doctors of fraud?
Doctor: No, just the influences that favor money over health.
Patient: This sounds exactly like a scam. You're the fraud!
Doctor: Then why did you come?
Patient: Because someone referred you.
Doctor: Why did you believe them?
Patient: Because you helped cure him and a bunch of other people. But that doesn't prove anything.
Doctor: Would you like me to show you the metabolic process that is killing you, and how an enzyme in kielbasa sausage facilitates the chemical reaction necessary to restore your health?
Patient: I'm a busy stock broker. I don't have time to take a course on chemistry. I'll trust a pill approved by the FDA.
Doctor: A pill will only treat the symptoms.
Patient: Okay, but why isn't your kielbasa treatment approved by the FDA?
Doctor: In order for a treatment to be approved by the FDA, it needs to acquire financing by a private company. Since kielbasa is available to everyone, no company will put up the funds necessary to approve it. Their shareholders can't make any money on it, and corporations are legally obligated to do what's best for their shareholders. And, they are doing quite well.
Patient: Well, that is true. I am actually paying for this visit with windfall gains from a killer quarter in the pharmaceutical industry - it makes up 80% of my portfolio.
Doctor: Well then, it's up to you. I give you the opportunity to learn exactly what is wrong with your diet and how kielbasa will cure you. Or, you can trust the gentlemen in the board room affording you that nice suit. It's your call.
Patient: Your a quack, and your wasting my time. I'm going to a real doctor and filing a police report. You're going to prison.
Doctor: Probably. At least they serve kielbasa.