Drunk Monk

Most religions of the world consider some form of fasting a necessary part of their spiritual health. Catholics avoid meat for lent for the commemoration of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hindus consider fasting a part of regular prayer and worship, and a way to be near to God. Muslims abstain from food over Ramadan to practice patience, modesty and spirituality for the sake of God. As something ancient and religious born of caves and camels, my first inclination is to assume there is absolutely no merit to any fasting activity at all other than its effect of humbling the subjects of priests and clerics so they can be managed more easily. But, before we attempt to salvage some reasoning for this sacred behavior, let's consider the other reasons a modern person might deprive themselves, and explain why they are all absurd and useless.

1. I want to go to heaven.
In a world afflicted by the obstinate, infantile and superstitious stupor of the feelgood mega church phenomenon, this is an acceptable excuse for doing pretty much anything; baking cakes, holding the door, or, if you're in the Manson family, brutally murdering anyone Charlie tells you to and writing creepy things on their walls in blood. Yes, the slight possibility of escaping eternal physical agony is enough to convince some folks to flirt with atrocities that approach the limits of human comprehension. Fasting does prevent one from committing them with quite the energy they would have otherwise, but only to a marginal degree. Fasting will not get you to heaven. It will only make your frenzied stab wounds less lethal. You are still a bad person and you will still probably go to hell if there is such a place.

2. I am holier. HAH!
You fast in order to assert a reputation of holiness and moral superiority. You are David Blaine in a box hovering over London proving to the world that asceticism is the key to fame and fortune. You are a dumb ass.

3. I'm angry as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
Ah, yes, you have something very important to say, but you don't have the words to say it. You fast as a way to communicate to your significant other that you are not getting enough sex. Subsequently, you become irritable and obnoxious, and acquire nothing for your efforts besides lonely evenings on the couch. You protest in vain, using the diplomatic sensibilities of a 4 year old threatening to hold his breath. You are also a dumb ass.

Well, that about sums it up. There is no reason to fast that pertains to our worldly existence other than some internal inclination that could not be prescribed by anyone else. That is all.

(Why all this? Because I dressed up as a monk and drank beer for three days at the Renaissance Festival and don't feel guilty about it at all).