Old man Marley's love for his family and friends was complete, so much so, that even the ravages of terminal cancer could not begin to afflict his very large, 99-year-old heart. In fact, it only strengthened it, as could perhaps be evidenced by the following correspondence with his daughter, Angelica, in the hospital:
"Father, you do look better this morning. I brought some flowers to help cheer you up."
"Thank you dear, but you shouldn't have. Really. You know I'll be dead by Friday, and there is no need to pretend 'cheer' is something I seek or am capable of. If your fantasy involves delivering me some glimmer of deluded hopefulness, you don't need my help. Believe whatever you want, but hear this: extorting my emotions to satisfy your conscience doesn't look good in God's eyes or mine. You'll be joining me in hell soon enough."
"Father, see? I have placed them in a vase on the window sill. Don't they look beautiful?"
"Darling, have I ever told you what a stupid wench you are? If you're after some inheritance, you can forget about it. You've always been a greedy, wicked, scheming whore, and you're getting the same as the other children. NOTHING!"
"Oh, father, look at the way the light hits the pedals. I think they make a lovely addition to your little bunk house here."
"And you're ugly! No wonder no one wanted to marry you. You're preposterously disgusting to look at, in your...white blouse...and...stupid...skirt. What are you, on your way to the circus?"
[Angelica pours some water into the vase]
"Angelica, you were a horrible accident. I never should have raped your mother. You see, I was on some very hard drugs back then..."
"I am having a very special brunch delivered this morning. It's your very favorite from the pancake house."
"Couldn't cook it yourself, huh? Figures. Eh, no loss I guess. You never were a very good cook, despite the superficial complements. Hey, ya know those little things you make every holiday? I'll tell you the truth. No one likes 'em. Oh sure, they shower you with compliments and say how much they look forward to them, but they are actually choking them down just to humor you. Ya know what, Angelica? We all pity you for being so worthless...for being so pathetic. That's why we pretend to like your crappy little cupcake things. That's just the way it is."
"See, father, here is a picture of all your great grandchildren together. Can you believe you have so many of them? Aren't they just adorable?"
"Little rats, all of them, like you were. Have I ever told you that you have disappointed your mother and I in every possible way a child can disappoint a parent? Before I die I thought you should know that. In fact, I've already hung around so long just to make your life as miserable as mine has been on your account, and you're not going to get rid of me easily, either. Who knows, you might still have to suffer weeks of me, even months!"
"Father, unlike the others, I'm afraid I cannot be persuaded to wish for your death."
"Bullshit. And you think you're so smart. You always did have an air of condescension in your voice. You never could get over yourself, could you?"
"This is very difficult..."
"Could you?"
"Go to hell father."
"That's my girl. I'll see you there."
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Megolyth®
Greetings Megolyth® employees. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to come hear me speak today. I know this seems unexpected. I should start with an explanation...
You see, I was just sitting in my office this morning, looking down over the vast metropolis from my balcony. Just incredible, really. I leaned over a bit, squinted, and could make out the all the little cars and tiny people shuffling about between the cliffs of these great urban canyons. Fascinating...they were, like, thousands of ants scurrying sand up a hill, one after the other, doing what they have always done in an almost unconscious stupor.
Then I thought to myself: "Hey, some of those ants down there are mine!" Well, my employees, anyway. And people, of course. You are all people, and I just got to thinking: "Wow, all of my employees are real, actual, people...not ants. I should really get them all together and have sort of a heart to heart, you know." So, that's what I am doing this morning. Yep, and I am going to treat you like people, which means delivering to you all the unvarnished truth about your existence here at Megolyth®. That is why we collected all of your electronic devices at the door. This speech will not be recorded, and no one outside this auditorium will have any hard evidence that it even took place. So, just get cozy and relax about your deadlines. You will have plenty of time to carry bits of gravel up the anthill soon enough.
Here at Megolyth® I am your boss. Yep, that's me. The boss. You deliver a large portion of your salary to me in return for, well, responsibility. If I screw up, I get fired and pretty much take the heat for your failure (Boo hoo). If Megolyth® makes another hundred billion, I get a billion or so. (Yeee haw). I have so much money my future great grandkids already have stores of gold bullion. Money is completely irrelevant to me. I am going to tell you straight up: for me, this gig is really all about the power. I can justify it to myself because, well, if I don't do it, one of you jackasses out there will. I figure it might as well be this jackass.
Here is our arrangement: I pay you to do everything. EVERYTHING. And, you tell me everything. You keep me so well informed that every decision I make is so damned obvious a blind bulldog could do it. In fact, I might as well be a bulldog. All you would need to do is put some kibble in the bowl containing the right answer and some shit in the bowl with the incorrect answer, and there is like a 90% chance my snout will end up buried in the fucking kibble. This is my life, and yours, and the arrangement we have between them. Are any one of you going to do anything about it? Seeing no volunteers, I assume your answer is "hell no." That's right. You're going to sit right in your chairs and listen. You're going to hear me state what you already know. You will hear the truth about your lives, and everything you jellyfish don't have the spine to admit to yourselves.
Ha! See? Ladies and gentleman, I am not just your boss...I'm your fucking king. You bow to me every time you hand me a report or smile in the hallway. Every one of you have your nose so far up my ass when you sneeze I get a headache. You love all this and are happy to do anything for me, because if you do not, I will fire your ass. That's right, if you scowl at me I have the power to take your five-hundred-thousand-dollar salary away. But, ya know, if I gave most of you the choice, and asked if you would rather take a 50% pay cut or a hack at your pinky on a block, I'd have to hire a butcher just to keep up with demand.
Most of you people make me sick, the way you grovel for money like I am the arbiter of human happiness. What I do is whatever it takes to keep your tongue planted to the soul of my shoe and my clients obese, tan, and totally obsessed with their wealth. This is no secret. You all participate in this. You all work here because I pay you more than any competitor could. Well, guess what fuckers. If you haven't figured it out already, I've got some news for you: I can afford to pay you the most because I am the best at RIPPING OTHER PEOPLE OFF!
You think Madoff had a scam? That shit-for-brains fell into his role almost by accident. Megolyth® has been at this game for a century, and our house of steel cards is welded with that beautiful sealant known as U.S. law and polished with the suits and sterling tongues of the worlds most adept deceivers. Go ahead, quit if you want. Go to another financial company. See what I care. They can't pay you what I pay you. Do you know why?
Do you really wanna know?
Do you?
Because they haven't figured out how to plunder the whole damn county behind their back!
Fanny? Freddie? They were ice cream trucks compared to us. We have no competitor. We have no checks or balances other than the chirps of our virtual employees who happen to work in government offices. You don't think we can fire an elected official? You don't think we can plant some evidence and have some do-good whistle blower defamed for soliciting a prostitute or something. Maybe you should run a towel in one ear and out the other and take a good look at the world in which we live...in the world that I rule.
We somehow convinced your local leaders that our activities are "good for the economy." We convinced your ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES that their constituents wanted us to take their money and give our executives bonuses with it. And then, WE DID IT. HA! Not only did we do it, we did it in the light of day, and STILL no one in the country gives a fuck or wants to kick us out. What if they knew what really goes on!? Ah, well, I digress. That's another private chat altogether...
Look, if any of you have any decency, you'll quit today and go work for some company that doesn't steal from the innocent, unconscious masses. I, personally, have no decency. My definition of truth is whatever a brainwashed public will believe. It's my trade, like the person you elected. If the people believe the line that giving us cash can make the people want to buy more cars or more stock or whatever, who am I to refuse? Who is anyone to refuse such a deal?
So sue me. Put me in jail. Send me to hell. Like I said, if it wasn't me, it would be one of you. If it wasn't one of you, it would be somebody else. When blind grandma's purse is sitting on the table with a $10 bill sticking out of it, every one of you bastards will pull that sucker out, and you know it.
Alright slime of the earth, I am your leader. So long as you work for this company you are forbidden from talking about my little diatribe this morning to anyone outside the company. If you do you will be terminated and blacklisted. You know what this means for your future and the future of your families. Still, I encourage you to do so. I urge you to hand me your resignation and then tell everyone in the world what I said here in exchange for a lower standard of living and loss of opportunity. As if anyone in this room got here by being a noble person. Still, I have respect for anyone with the courage and decency to do such a thing, and promise you will not be gassed or injected with anything lethal as a result.
Alright, that about wraps up our little impromptu session. I hope we all learned a little something here this morning, and sorry if my pep talk went a bit long. Up and at em everyone, we've got another big day ahead.
You see, I was just sitting in my office this morning, looking down over the vast metropolis from my balcony. Just incredible, really. I leaned over a bit, squinted, and could make out the all the little cars and tiny people shuffling about between the cliffs of these great urban canyons. Fascinating...they were, like, thousands of ants scurrying sand up a hill, one after the other, doing what they have always done in an almost unconscious stupor.
Then I thought to myself: "Hey, some of those ants down there are mine!" Well, my employees, anyway. And people, of course. You are all people, and I just got to thinking: "Wow, all of my employees are real, actual, people...not ants. I should really get them all together and have sort of a heart to heart, you know." So, that's what I am doing this morning. Yep, and I am going to treat you like people, which means delivering to you all the unvarnished truth about your existence here at Megolyth®. That is why we collected all of your electronic devices at the door. This speech will not be recorded, and no one outside this auditorium will have any hard evidence that it even took place. So, just get cozy and relax about your deadlines. You will have plenty of time to carry bits of gravel up the anthill soon enough.
Here at Megolyth® I am your boss. Yep, that's me. The boss. You deliver a large portion of your salary to me in return for, well, responsibility. If I screw up, I get fired and pretty much take the heat for your failure (Boo hoo). If Megolyth® makes another hundred billion, I get a billion or so. (Yeee haw). I have so much money my future great grandkids already have stores of gold bullion. Money is completely irrelevant to me. I am going to tell you straight up: for me, this gig is really all about the power. I can justify it to myself because, well, if I don't do it, one of you jackasses out there will. I figure it might as well be this jackass.
Here is our arrangement: I pay you to do everything. EVERYTHING. And, you tell me everything. You keep me so well informed that every decision I make is so damned obvious a blind bulldog could do it. In fact, I might as well be a bulldog. All you would need to do is put some kibble in the bowl containing the right answer and some shit in the bowl with the incorrect answer, and there is like a 90% chance my snout will end up buried in the fucking kibble. This is my life, and yours, and the arrangement we have between them. Are any one of you going to do anything about it? Seeing no volunteers, I assume your answer is "hell no." That's right. You're going to sit right in your chairs and listen. You're going to hear me state what you already know. You will hear the truth about your lives, and everything you jellyfish don't have the spine to admit to yourselves.
Ha! See? Ladies and gentleman, I am not just your boss...I'm your fucking king. You bow to me every time you hand me a report or smile in the hallway. Every one of you have your nose so far up my ass when you sneeze I get a headache. You love all this and are happy to do anything for me, because if you do not, I will fire your ass. That's right, if you scowl at me I have the power to take your five-hundred-thousand-dollar salary away. But, ya know, if I gave most of you the choice, and asked if you would rather take a 50% pay cut or a hack at your pinky on a block, I'd have to hire a butcher just to keep up with demand.
Most of you people make me sick, the way you grovel for money like I am the arbiter of human happiness. What I do is whatever it takes to keep your tongue planted to the soul of my shoe and my clients obese, tan, and totally obsessed with their wealth. This is no secret. You all participate in this. You all work here because I pay you more than any competitor could. Well, guess what fuckers. If you haven't figured it out already, I've got some news for you: I can afford to pay you the most because I am the best at RIPPING OTHER PEOPLE OFF!
You think Madoff had a scam? That shit-for-brains fell into his role almost by accident. Megolyth® has been at this game for a century, and our house of steel cards is welded with that beautiful sealant known as U.S. law and polished with the suits and sterling tongues of the worlds most adept deceivers. Go ahead, quit if you want. Go to another financial company. See what I care. They can't pay you what I pay you. Do you know why?
Do you really wanna know?
Do you?
Because they haven't figured out how to plunder the whole damn county behind their back!
Fanny? Freddie? They were ice cream trucks compared to us. We have no competitor. We have no checks or balances other than the chirps of our virtual employees who happen to work in government offices. You don't think we can fire an elected official? You don't think we can plant some evidence and have some do-good whistle blower defamed for soliciting a prostitute or something. Maybe you should run a towel in one ear and out the other and take a good look at the world in which we live...in the world that I rule.
We somehow convinced your local leaders that our activities are "good for the economy." We convinced your ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES that their constituents wanted us to take their money and give our executives bonuses with it. And then, WE DID IT. HA! Not only did we do it, we did it in the light of day, and STILL no one in the country gives a fuck or wants to kick us out. What if they knew what really goes on!? Ah, well, I digress. That's another private chat altogether...
Look, if any of you have any decency, you'll quit today and go work for some company that doesn't steal from the innocent, unconscious masses. I, personally, have no decency. My definition of truth is whatever a brainwashed public will believe. It's my trade, like the person you elected. If the people believe the line that giving us cash can make the people want to buy more cars or more stock or whatever, who am I to refuse? Who is anyone to refuse such a deal?
So sue me. Put me in jail. Send me to hell. Like I said, if it wasn't me, it would be one of you. If it wasn't one of you, it would be somebody else. When blind grandma's purse is sitting on the table with a $10 bill sticking out of it, every one of you bastards will pull that sucker out, and you know it.
Alright slime of the earth, I am your leader. So long as you work for this company you are forbidden from talking about my little diatribe this morning to anyone outside the company. If you do you will be terminated and blacklisted. You know what this means for your future and the future of your families. Still, I encourage you to do so. I urge you to hand me your resignation and then tell everyone in the world what I said here in exchange for a lower standard of living and loss of opportunity. As if anyone in this room got here by being a noble person. Still, I have respect for anyone with the courage and decency to do such a thing, and promise you will not be gassed or injected with anything lethal as a result.
Alright, that about wraps up our little impromptu session. I hope we all learned a little something here this morning, and sorry if my pep talk went a bit long. Up and at em everyone, we've got another big day ahead.
Monday, September 14, 2009
FYI to aspiring editors
You job will be to:
1. Know what needs to be written and how to write it.
2. Explain the facts directly surrounding the obvious solution to management. (Crucial: Pretend you have NOT put it all together!)
3. Watch the executive ponder for a while.
4. Observe the wheels turning.
5. Listen to first misguided suggestion.
6. Explain why a square cube cannot fit in a round hole.
7. Repeat steps 5-6 for all incorrect solutions.
8. See the executive's eyes brighten.
9. Brace yourself as you are about to lose another piece of your soul.
10. Listen to the executive's "brilliant" idea.
11. Nod and agree. Repeat the following: "That's brilliant, wish I had thought of that. I guess that's why they pay you the big bucks."
12. Write what needs to be written and how you need to write it.
13. Watch the CEO hold up the product and give the executive credit. Then, watch the executive nod.
13 (#2). Drink heavily.
1. Know what needs to be written and how to write it.
2. Explain the facts directly surrounding the obvious solution to management. (Crucial: Pretend you have NOT put it all together!)
3. Watch the executive ponder for a while.
4. Observe the wheels turning.
5. Listen to first misguided suggestion.
6. Explain why a square cube cannot fit in a round hole.
7. Repeat steps 5-6 for all incorrect solutions.
8. See the executive's eyes brighten.
9. Brace yourself as you are about to lose another piece of your soul.
10. Listen to the executive's "brilliant" idea.
11. Nod and agree. Repeat the following: "That's brilliant, wish I had thought of that. I guess that's why they pay you the big bucks."
12. Write what needs to be written and how you need to write it.
13. Watch the CEO hold up the product and give the executive credit. Then, watch the executive nod.
13 (#2). Drink heavily.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Drunk Monk
Most religions of the world consider some form of fasting a necessary part of their spiritual health. Catholics avoid meat for lent for the commemoration of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hindus consider fasting a part of regular prayer and worship, and a way to be near to God. Muslims abstain from food over Ramadan to practice patience, modesty and spirituality for the sake of God. As something ancient and religious born of caves and camels, my first inclination is to assume there is absolutely no merit to any fasting activity at all other than its effect of humbling the subjects of priests and clerics so they can be managed more easily. But, before we attempt to salvage some reasoning for this sacred behavior, let's consider the other reasons a modern person might deprive themselves, and explain why they are all absurd and useless.
1. I want to go to heaven.
In a world afflicted by the obstinate, infantile and superstitious stupor of the feelgood mega church phenomenon, this is an acceptable excuse for doing pretty much anything; baking cakes, holding the door, or, if you're in the Manson family, brutally murdering anyone Charlie tells you to and writing creepy things on their walls in blood. Yes, the slight possibility of escaping eternal physical agony is enough to convince some folks to flirt with atrocities that approach the limits of human comprehension. Fasting does prevent one from committing them with quite the energy they would have otherwise, but only to a marginal degree. Fasting will not get you to heaven. It will only make your frenzied stab wounds less lethal. You are still a bad person and you will still probably go to hell if there is such a place.
2. I am holier. HAH!
You fast in order to assert a reputation of holiness and moral superiority. You are David Blaine in a box hovering over London proving to the world that asceticism is the key to fame and fortune. You are a dumb ass.
3. I'm angry as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
Ah, yes, you have something very important to say, but you don't have the words to say it. You fast as a way to communicate to your significant other that you are not getting enough sex. Subsequently, you become irritable and obnoxious, and acquire nothing for your efforts besides lonely evenings on the couch. You protest in vain, using the diplomatic sensibilities of a 4 year old threatening to hold his breath. You are also a dumb ass.
Well, that about sums it up. There is no reason to fast that pertains to our worldly existence other than some internal inclination that could not be prescribed by anyone else. That is all.
(Why all this? Because I dressed up as a monk and drank beer for three days at the Renaissance Festival and don't feel guilty about it at all).
1. I want to go to heaven.
In a world afflicted by the obstinate, infantile and superstitious stupor of the feelgood mega church phenomenon, this is an acceptable excuse for doing pretty much anything; baking cakes, holding the door, or, if you're in the Manson family, brutally murdering anyone Charlie tells you to and writing creepy things on their walls in blood. Yes, the slight possibility of escaping eternal physical agony is enough to convince some folks to flirt with atrocities that approach the limits of human comprehension. Fasting does prevent one from committing them with quite the energy they would have otherwise, but only to a marginal degree. Fasting will not get you to heaven. It will only make your frenzied stab wounds less lethal. You are still a bad person and you will still probably go to hell if there is such a place.
2. I am holier. HAH!
You fast in order to assert a reputation of holiness and moral superiority. You are David Blaine in a box hovering over London proving to the world that asceticism is the key to fame and fortune. You are a dumb ass.
3. I'm angry as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
Ah, yes, you have something very important to say, but you don't have the words to say it. You fast as a way to communicate to your significant other that you are not getting enough sex. Subsequently, you become irritable and obnoxious, and acquire nothing for your efforts besides lonely evenings on the couch. You protest in vain, using the diplomatic sensibilities of a 4 year old threatening to hold his breath. You are also a dumb ass.
Well, that about sums it up. There is no reason to fast that pertains to our worldly existence other than some internal inclination that could not be prescribed by anyone else. That is all.
(Why all this? Because I dressed up as a monk and drank beer for three days at the Renaissance Festival and don't feel guilty about it at all).
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