G-20 Synopsis

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to G-20. In these difficult days one's eyes tire from the sight of rabbles pouring unsavory sentiment towards our esteemed corporate/public partnership. These disheveled miscreants riot against the establishment in the streets holding their banners. Adjacent signs read: "Capitalism Doesn't Work!" and "No Socialism for the Rich!" a testament to their hopeless need for direction. Each zealot is a walking contradiction, united in their strategy of disorder and mayhem, dedicated to whatever happens to bother them. We are delighted that their ignorance precludes them from any valid common cause, lest we toss and turn for one extra minute at night. On this lovely day one breathes a sigh of relief to know that they are trapped on the streets and far removed from the good and honorable stewards of civil global society gathered here.

Now, your Majesty, let us continue with the work of restoring integrity to the human race. We have the following topics to address this morning.

• The Economy
  
• Terrorism
• Education
  

I would like to address them in order, as we believe these topics are inextricably linked.

Let us first discuss the economy. I am afraid we all know that our global economy is doomed. We could stand here all day pointing fingers at one another, but let us move forward. We will not be able to save the world. However, with prompt action we will be able to save ourselves. And, by ourselves, I mean everyone in this room. With that privileged information, I am ready to make you a one-time offer. All who do not wish to be spared from the global crisis, please leave. Defectors will be escorted to the basement, tortured with electricity, and fed to hungry wolves.

Anyone?

Thank you. Wonderful of all of you to join us. Now that that ugly business is over, let us decide how to restore the economy to one in which we all enjoy extravagant and easy returns with no work, much as we did a few years ago. First, we all know that production is the only means of wealth and prosperity. (Thanks to our partners for the very effective propaganda that obfuscates that fact.) So, we must control all means of production...all businesses, companies, and organizations that create profit. Right now we have the opportunity to procure most of the globe's means of production, but are a bit short on cash. Fortunately, we have secured access to a limitless spring of cash that we can draw from as needed. These SDRs, or whooziwhatsits are just the tip of the iceberg. By printing money we can acquire lots of property from various independent owners depriving us of what is ours. After all, how do we expect to protect the world from global economic cataclysm if we do not have complete control over it?

Second, terrorism. Without a real global threat there is much less reason for us to even be here. We have our super secret folks working on that one. You do not want to be bothered with the details. Trust me.

Third, education. Alright look, folks, if the people knew what we were doing they would sink this ship. Right now we are on the Titanic, sitting in life boats, assuring the crowded, tilted deck that everything is under control. The faster we cut loose and drift away from this whole mess the better. We don't need to be dragged under too. I am not even going to demagogue this. I am not even going to insult you by pretending to care about educating the citizens of Crackerblackistan. As if we could! Bring me the dumb. To protect ourselves we need a population who's head is so securely jammed up its own ass it wouldn't recognize a tyrant if he stood in front of millions of delerious screaming followers promising free life-extension juice for all. The only true power we have to assure the stupidity of the next generation is to eliminate competition from the schoolhouse. All of our tinkering with textbooks doesn't hold a candle to keeping bad teachers chained to otherwise good schools for life.

Are we all in agreement? Very good. Please join me in the reception hall for nibbles and drinks. Good meeting everyone.