Mr. Hanson Visits the Hospital

Well, Mr. Hanson, I have some good news and some bad news.

Good news first.

We can cure your stomach ache.

That's great news. What's the bad news?

It will cost you.

That's fine. How much?

How much you got?

Excuse me?

You heard me.

This is a hospital. You have my insurance information. Paid an arm and a leg for it.

Heh. Insurance. Arm and leg. Times are tough, man. Seriously, what's it worth to you?

Worth to me?

That's right. I've got a little fun fact about your condition. Turns out a burst appendix can cause massive infection and even death?

Yes, I did know that, doctor.

So, what's your life worth, partner?

Look, I approve the operation. Enough of this. I'm in quite a lot of pain. Let's get on with it.

I take credit cards, cash, cars, real estate, daughters. Come on, man, what you got?

You can't be serious.

Ha. Me serious? Where have you been, man? You obviously haven't been in an ER for a while. Things have changed. Money, keys, off shore accounts. We don't have all day, man.

You're going to jail for this.

Jail?

You better have a good lawyer.

Lawyer? Look. Your appendix is about to burst. You give me your house and your cars and I will take it out right now using this sterile scalpel with antiseptic and local anesthesia. Or, I sedate you and hide you in a closet until you are dead.

What are you doing? Threatening me?

I'm sorry, but you do not have a very strong position right now.

Why are you doing this?

You want motivation? Alright. I owe the big guy $50,000 for my mother's liver transplant. Is that what you want? Don't act like you've never had a knife to your throat. This isn't 2008 any more. Right now I am your personal savior, and I say your money or your life. Your call.

You listen to me. I can give you my keys, but that doesn't stop the law from breaking down your doors. What you are doing is illegal. I know my rights. The law is on my side.

Who is this guy? Debbie, where did you get this guy? Alright, I like you so I'm going to save you a lot of trouble. Maybe your life. This recession, or depression whatever you call it...it has given some of us some, well, opportunities. You know that the government rescued a lot of banks and insurance companies, right?

Right. Sure.

Well, turns out the government also "rescued" this very hospital, see? Basically, this means the government printed money to keep us up and running. Look, you can't ask a man to resist a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Before all this we overcharged the insurance companies. They looked the other way and overcharged clients. Now, we overcharge government. We don't care where it comes from. You can't blame us for that, for taking what no one keeps track of. Before we were taking care of shareholders for valuable market share. Now we take care of our own. The truth is, we doctors can take whatever we want. We're a hospital. Now, what politician would let this hospital fail, huh? No candidate you or I would vote for. The day our surgeons walk out of the ER is the day Mr. Governor gets the axe.

This doesn't change anything. Leaving me to die is illegal.

Ha. Since when? Before, the state would pick up the tab for folks without insurance. Now that almost no one has insurance, it doesn't pay much to be a doctor. Without this leverage, do you think I would even be here right now? Hell no. I'd be a medic in the mid-east helping Obama take over the universe. These days, those with honor are over seas dying for their country. Those without are at home pillaging its people. I don't make the rules. I just make the best of what I have, and right now that means a nice new house on Lake Minnetonka. Debbie says it's a nice address. I'm really looking forward to it.

No, I mean legal. As in, I have a lawyer and I will sue you.

Sue me? Ha! Haven't you been listening? This room you are in...this is today's courtroom. That's right! Welcome to Judge Jerry, your honorable Jerry Witherspoon MD presiding. Let's see, first case: I, the judge have allegedly murdered you, Mr. Hanson...hm. Well, I find the defendant innocent on all counts. Case dismissed.

You're insane.

Am I? Is it also insane that I have actually operated on every judge in this county? Most lawyers. Hell, if you have something more valuable to offer than that sweet lake home, I'm all ears. You get a clean procedure and nice, neat stiches for legal immunity in a court room. I seriously doubt you can offer that.

Alright, look. [argh] I can help you out. I know a guy. He's a state congressman.

Yes?

Do you know about the bill that is going to hit the house floor next week?

Which one?

The one that appropriates 10 million to this hospital.

Yes.

He was going to vote it down, but I can change his mind.

Oh, yeah? How's that?

He owes me a favor.

Well then. Why didn't you say so, friend. Tell you what. I'll do the operation. If he votes yes, you come back anytime you get sick. Your family too. If he votes no, I'm suggest you watch your heath. Comprende?

Comprende.