Yes, these are very percarious times. As you all know, our little town rests in a valley between two enormous, towering peaks. As you also know, atop each peak rests a boulder large enough to flatten every building in town.
In fact, if you look directly behind me, then bring your head back to about a 45 degree angle you can see the first of these boulders. See? Now, if you turn around 180 degrees, without lowering your head, you can see the second. See? Each of these boulders teeters on a tiny pedestal. We know that an event as unpredictable as a thunderstorm could send either rampaging down the slope directly into your living rooms. Yes, this is very, very bad news. Okay, folks, you can turn back around now.
The boulder behind me, if it fell, would careen off the west slope and decimate the north half of town. The boulder behind you, if it fell, would be sent on a path directly through the south half of town. Our geologists have reported that, if one were to fall, it would strike the opposite mountain hard enough to send the other boulder down the far side and away from town.
So, the good news is, we can save one half of town. And more good news, we have two candidates fighting for you in this year's mayoral race:
- Mr. North represents the folks from the north half of town.
- Mr. South represents the folks from the south part of town.
Will Mr. South defend his position? Will he convince Flatville that the boulder behind him must not fall?
Will Mr. North defend his position? Will he convince Flatville that the boulder behind you must not fall?
Well, let's see what they have to say for themselves. Welcome candidates, to the final Flatville mayoral debate!
Mr. South: Thank you, Mr. Pancake, for the fine introduction. It's wonderful to be here in this great valley of ours. The greatest valley in the world!
Mr. North: Yes, I'd like to thank Mr. Pancake as well, and congratulate you all for being such compassionate, hard-working people. You are all just great.
Mr. Pancake: Okay, let's get right to it. Mr. South, why must the boulder behind you stay where it is?
Mr. South: Well, I'd like to first ask the folks of Flatville to do me a little favor. Ladies and gentlemen, please turn around for a moment and tilt your head back at a 45 degree angle again. Take a look. Do you see what I see? Do you see the the sun glimmer off of its polished golden surface? Do you see the ornate illustrations of kittens etched into the side? My fellow Flatvillians, I don't see a giant, dangerous boulder at all. No, what I see is a work of art. Now, I know what you're all thinking. Many folks, including my opponent, have told you that this "boulder" is a menace. Well, I admit that it very well may be. Nonetheless, by the end of my campaign you will wonder how you could ever have imagined such a thing. I'm not asking you to believe all that glitters is gold. Far from it. All I ask you is to consider the possibility that this particular object, this shiny sphere adorned with cute kittens, is something less than a menace. Let's put it this way. You know, maybe I'll just ask a very simple question. You can turn back around now. Alright, I am going to ask you a very simple question: Do you really think something so irresistibly adorable as playful kittens could be capable of mass destruction?
Mr. Pancake: But what about the boulder behind you, Mr. South? I think we can all agree both boulders are very dangerous. I want you to discuss how important it is that the boulder behind you stay put.
Mr. South: Well, I admit I fear either boulder falling, but let's focus on the benefits rather than such a bleak disaster.
Mr. Pankcake: Okay, I guess...Mr. North, what about you. Why should the boulder in front of you not fall?
Mr. North: Friends, those may look like innocent kittens now, but they will look like bloodthirsty kittens of death as they claw your houses into splinters. How dare you attempt to convince us otherwise, Mr. South? Flatvillian's know that 100 million metric tons moving at several hundred miles an hour is indeed capable of mass destruction. As such, Mr. South's precious kittens must be forced permanently off the back of that mountain. Yes, I am afraid we must eliminate the misleading golden boulder. It's irresistible whiskers must never be seen again.
Mr. Pancake: And how do you propose to remove the golden boulder?
Mr. North: We must put Flatville first. Yes, times will be tough for some, especially for the south half of town, but that is the price of freedom...security from nefarious kittens. Here is my plan: We will secure our town by releasing the boulder behind me. It will roll down the mountain and smash the other side. The shock will be so great that the boulder of evil will fall off the other side, never to be seen again! Yes, my friends, this rock may look ugly and dangerous, but it is our best weapon agains the scourge of those deceptive golden kittens. Some sacrafices will be required. We must have resolve. We must fight for a kitten-free Flatville.
Mr. South: Now, my opponent doesn't seem to have trouble speaking so harshly of these innocent little creatures. Look. We all know that times will be tough for many Flatvillians, and we agree that freedom does have a price. But, my opponent says that this price is the elimination of fuzziness; that we must watch that delightful golden sphere fall off the back side of the mountai0n never to be seen again. I don't know about you, but to me, this seems rather disturbing. Just look at it, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful. Stunning even...Folks, we can do better. And I will tell you how: by believing those golden kittens are safe, cuddly, and good for Flatville. I'm going to be completely honest with you. What I ask for is nothing short of incredible. Yes, some say impossible. I ask you to join me in believing something wonderful...not true, but wonderful...that the boulder behind you is not dangerous. Now, my voice is soothing, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't it comforting? It is. Now, let's talk about honesty. As a consequence of my eloquence, many of you will believe absolutely anything I say, no matter how absurd. This is true. Those of you screaming and fainting...thank you. You prove my point. Now, can the rest of you join me in believing this lie? Yes you can. If you do, it is no longer a lie. We can bring down the golden boulder. Yes we can.
Mr. Pancake: Mr. South, if we follow your agenda, and bring down the golden boulder, some scientists report the schock will prompt the granite boulder to fall too, eliminating the remainder of Flatville. Do you support the destruction of both the north and south half of town in return for the arrival of that golden boulder?
Mr. South: Well, some scientists say that my opponent's granite boulder would knock the golden boulder towards Flatville as well. That is a risk we all share in either case. Some say it is an inevitability. But, why speculate when we can act...when we can start imagining my mayoral tenure. We should ask ourselves...if we are going to have both boulders anyway, shouldn't we be absolutely sure to get the gold one with kittens? In fact, and maybe I'm getting a little crazy here, but what if the granite boulder fell and then pushed that gorgeous golden sphere of the other side forever. Imagine it disappearing from view. That would be the worst of both worlds, wouldn't it? See how I am tricking you? See how the people cheer anyway? Oh, this is so fun.
Mr. North: Mr. South, you have just proposed the total destruction of Flatville to cheering crowds. I am afraid my debating skills cannot compete with that.
Mr. Pancake: Do either of you have any proposals that would save us from both boulders?
Mr North: Mr. Pancake, that is not the issue. One boulder must fall.
Mr. South: This is a subject where my opponent and I agree completely. One absolutely must fall. At least one.
Mr. Pancake: But historically, populations have pushed both boulders in the opposite direction, saving both halves of town. Why can't we work together to eliminate both threats?
Mr. South: [Cutting off Mr. North]. Let me take this one. I'm afraid we don't live in the 18th century any more. We live in a global economy. We have computers, cars, and central air. We have nitrogen widgets in beer cans. We simply can't accept the preposterous notion that today's complex society can be planned by profiteers. People need direction. They can't be asked to make these delicate decisions for themselves. Look, when folks get a paycheck, they make a profit. Right now they can use that money for anything they please, even things that do not have anything to do with boulders. Flatville knows that their paychecks must all go directly to the public good...directly to me. And, I will do what's best for Flatville: BRING DOWN THAT GOLDEN BOULDER.
Mr. North: My opponent is correct in some ways. We live in complex times. And, I'd like to believe my opponent is completely correct, but he is not. Some people simply cannot be fooled into thinking the public good is more important than their own family and community. Here is what I propose: Let's pretend people can keep their paychecks, but actually take their prosperity from them by taxing companies and income. Then, when we have stolen all of their wealth, we BRING DOWN THE GRANITE BOULDER AND END DECEPTIVE KITTENS FOREVER.
Mr. Pancake: So, both of you basically propose the transfer of wealth from the people into the hands of your own administration in order to do what's best for the public?
Both candidates: Yes.
Mr. Pancake: And, the only difference is that you, Mr. South, want people to know you are taking their money, and you, Mr. North, want to pretend that you are not taking their money but take it nonetheless.
Both candidates: Yes.
Mr. Pancake: And both of you believe the public good is the same as launching one of these giant boulders into Flatville?
Both candidates: It is.
Mr. South: Well, I for one think this would be a very good time to reach across the aisle. Perhaps we should work together on this one. Mr. North, do you live in either the north or south side of town?
Mr. North: Of course not, I live on that mountain way upriver.
Mr. South: Me too. Let's push both boulders into town at the same time. Flatville will need us more than ever then. What do you say?
Mr. North: Sounds fun. Count me in. I'm afraid you're right, Mr. South. I will never be able to convince the people of Flatville how deadly those kittens are unless they see for themselves. You almost even convinced me there for a second.
Mr Pancake: So, you both just agreed to bring down both boulders?
Mr South: That's right, Mr. Pancake, we have just made an agreement. Please put us on the same ticket, Flatville. Remember, divided we fail! What collaboration. What a great unification. You should all be proud of yourselves for picking two candidates with so much in common. What a delightful turn of events.
Mr. North: I'd also like to congratulate the people of Flatville for their resolve and courage during these trying times. Now I've gotta run. Good night.
Mr. Pancake: Well, folks, I'm in a bit of a rush, so that concludes our debate. I wish you the best of luck, Flatville.
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