Rescue Plan

Oh holy one, they say you have all the answers. Can I ask you a question?

Sure thing. What's up?

Will I go to heaven?

Is that what you want?

Yes. I believe it is.

If I said you have a place in heaven immediately, would you allow me to kill you so you could go there?

Um, well...

After all, this life is meaningless compared to the afterlife...

Yes, well...

And your weak body is certainly useless there, more so than it is here...

But, but, I have work to do yet on earth, Father.

Says who? Do you know this? Or, are you afraid of the physical pain of death?

I do know...I just know. I think.

Yes, you think death is painful...tell you what, I've got some morphine. It will be painless. I'll give you a couple shots and you will wake up in heaven. What do you say?

Oh. Well, Father. Thank you for the offer. I just...

I've got the syringes in this case right here. Give me your arm...

But, my girlfriend, she wouldn't approve of all this...

Oh? Your girlfriend opposes your righteous place in heaven? Oh, that is very bad.

No, she would approve of my place in heaven. It's just that, well, you know...not yet.

Not yet? Why not? Every minute that goes by is another minute teetering on that tightrope. Why allow Satan one extra moment to drag you to the furnace of Hell? Any girlfriend that would approve of such a thing is no friend of yours. I will save you from an eternity of roasting, but I must do it now. Give me your arm.

Do you want to go to Heaven, Father?

Me? Of course.

Why haven't you taken a morphine overdose?

If I had, I would't be here to save your soul. It's all part of God's plan, you see...

Oh, I see. So, what if I become ordained and offer others the chance to go to heaven? Can I live then?

No. You need to be able to identify the ones who are destined for heaven. You wouldn't want to be responsible for sending a bloke to Hell before his time, would you?

Well, I guess not. How do you do it? How do you know for sure that I'm ready for heaven?

It is a gift from God, of course. But there is only one way for me to be absolutely sure that you will indeed go to heaven.

Oooh. What's that?

If you take the shots.

Oh.

If you do not, there is a very good chance you will burn. There is not a moment to lose.

Tell me, Father, why did God create man with such curiosity only to discover that he should kill himself as soon as possible?

How dare you question the motives and nature of the Almighty.

If He created us in his own image, why hasn't He snuffed it yet?

He is God. Give me your arm. There is no time to lose.

Why would He give us such profound love for life, Father, only to demand that we voluntarily destroy it?

It is the most true test, my son, and you are failing.

Why would he create us with enough intelligence to fight disease, purify water, feed the hungry?

He is merciful. That is why he gave us the intelligence to develop morphine.

But I would rather live. If God was alive, which you say he is, wouldn't he rather live as well? Own image, right?

God is not a man. He is God. Do not question his ways. You are slipping, my boy. You are being consumed by the flames of Hell. God did not give us intelligence so that we might indulge in worldly pleasures or explore the stars or even cure disease. He gave us intelligence so that we can discover our destiny...to die, and to do so honorably.

So, in church, why do you ask us pray for people to live? To be cured of disease? To live long and healthy lives?

Because I know that they do not have the capacity to understand, my boy. I have this knowledge, and you can have it to, if you only accept the truth and give me your arm.

Just one more question: What if I believe my destiny is to reject your nonsense and use my intelligence instead to prevent you from killing other children.

Then your flesh will char eternally in Hell's most blistering regions.

Well, I guess I'll have take my chances in Hell, then.

I'll see you there.