Vincent, Borgman, and Lezlie

In the following transcript two veteran congressmen Vincent and Borgman discuss some issues with Lezlie, a rookie who was recently elected.

In Vincent's office.

Vincent
"Where I come from there is a rule. If you have stolen from someone and convinced them it is for their own good, it is not stealing."
Borgman
"I will see you and raise you. Who cares if they believe it's for their own good. If you have stolen from someone and they are unaware of the theft, it is for their own good!"
Vincent
"Know what? Re-raise. If someone permits you to steal from them, that qualifies as voluntary charity; the recipient has no obligation to refuse."
Borgman
"I guess I can't argue with that."
Vincent
"Why are we refusing charity? We have a country to run here."
Lezlie
"Wait. Are you suggesting our budget should be determined by the amount of income we can "steal"? And the people should be relieved of their income by whatever means necessary, even if they are unaware?"
Borgman
"No. Because of the fact they are unaware. We are entitled whatever they don't notice we take."
Vincent
"But it's really not charity at all, it's a mandate for improvement! If the people are releasing their income to us, we have a somber obligation to put it to good use. Everyone knows the larger the order, the more we can get for every dollar. This makes it our obligation to relieve the population of as much unwanted income as possible - to give them more for the dollar."
Borgman
"Exactly. If they contribute 30-50 percent of their income, they must believe we contribute 30-50 percent of their freedom and happiness. Or, they believe it's simply the price of living in a free society. It's tiny compared to the big things we can do with it. "
Lezlie
"Not tiny to them. They wouldn't have any idea what life would be like with twice the income. There's no frame of reference. Most disturbing of all, they have no idea they are even being taxed. We take 22 percent for every retail purchase in hidden taxes passed down to the consumer from corporate taxes. We withdraw directly from their paycheck. Is this an honest way to handle the financing of government?
Borgman
"We've been withholding since 1944. It's more convenient for everyone, but mostly for us. Right from under their noses. Beardsley Ruml's a genius."
Lezlie
"So you think the green light to withhold is also a green light to take as much as you can before the majority of people really take notice?
Vincent
"Sure. It's not our task to judge what motivates the people to bestow upon us this grave obligation. If they give involuntary because they are unaware it is being taken, they haven't earned the right to that money anyway. The facts are available to everyone."
Lezlie
"The facts are not accessible to most people. They are too complicated. They have jobs you know. They don't have time to research the tax code. Few really see what is going on here."
Borgman
"Well, we have our work cut out for us. Always have. Look, if I know people, they want a bargain, and the more income we get, the better bargain they get, get it? If people are dropping coins in the street, why not pick them up and put them to good use."
Lezlie
"But you've cut the holes in their pockets!"
Borgman
"They are too careless to notice. It's called a needle and thread. They'll use it if/when they're ready. If we volunteered some of that money back to them, we couldn't do nearly as much good - the law of diminishing returns. Besides, it's pennies for them, millions for us."
Lezlie
"But how do you know what make and model of "good" they're looking for? All you have is a dollar amount."
Vincent
"We use it for whatever gets us re-elected - that's the best measure. The people will choose if we've done our jobs well."
Lezlie
"So, what got you re-elected?"
Vincent
"They want to hear that we are doing good things and all that warm and fuzzy stuff. They want prosperity and security."
Lezlie
"Can you give them those things?"
Vincent
"Ha. No, no one can, of course. No one but themselves. But we can give them the impression that voting for us will help."
Lezlie
"How do you make such a good impression?"
Vincent
"It's easy once you recognize we are judged on our intentions, not on our results. Relating to the people - that's all that matters. It's all advertising. People love watching TV - it is easy to make a good impression in a 30 second slot. Radio also works well. It's all about being believable and acting like you really know what you are talking about."
Lezlie
"What about all those good things you promise to do with their money.
Vincent
"We give them peace of mind. Of course. Come on, what, were you born yesterday? The people want to hear we are the greatest country in the world. They want to know they have a capable leader and that the economy is strong. They want to hear about how other countries envy us. We have the tools to make all those things appear to be true! They want their big ass American egos stroked, and they are paying top dollar for it. Far be it from us to deny them that. Look, you might think you ran for office to be an honorable public servant. The public doesn't really need or want that anymore. The public only elected you to engage in the giant ideological battle on their behalf. Republican, Democrat, whatever. We are all being paid to engage in this battle, and it will rage on as long as the people want it to. As long as government is seen as the solution. Our mission is to remind the people that the battle must rage on, that government is the solution to their problems. Why else would they allow us to deprive them of half their income. The people buy it. We aren't here to protect the people's rights, we are here to convince them we know what is right. The more money they give us, the easier it is to convince them.
Lezlie
"So, what bargains are you talking about?"
Vincent
"Well, let's see, we get a great deal on military supplies. Remember, it's a two front war - one against the Republicans or Democrats, and one against the Islamo Fascists. You do want the troops to have body armor, right? Thought so. War is our trump card. Now that we have a perpetual war, the public needs us more than ever. The people will pay anything for security. If they are shy about fighting to keep their income they are pathetic whimpering cowards when it comes to terrorism. Why? Because we have terrified them with threat levels, and constant news coverage. It is awesome. The people think the country would collapse if weren't on the offensive against the terrorists (I mean "offense" - people dig the football terminology - it makes our policy seem less like preemptive war). Regardless of whether that is true, it must be perpetuated at every opportunity - your job, and the jobs of your contemporaries, depend on it. Remember, you must be resolute - this is the home of the brave."
Borgman
"Come off it Vincent, enough of the melodrama. There are plenty of good things going on. Things that do help the public. I happen to believe the public is made of a certain percentage of individuals who aren't drooling, brainwashed Neanderthals. Lezlie, you can appeal to whatever constituency you want, but some are growing and some are shrinking. Vincent believes he represents a growing constituency and I believe he might be right.
Vincent
"Oh, get over it. Both of you. We have the public bought and paid for, you too Borgman, whether you think it's right or not. We have every media outlet behind us. We make the news. You're with us or against us. If you really think you're going to do any real good for the country feel free to opt out of the congressional pension plan. Fell free to be mocked and laughed at. If you try to cut out taxes or reveal any of this to your constituency you will be ostracized from both sides of the aisle. Your district will be a laughing stock. You are here to do what's necessary to get your skin elected for another term, and that means passing laws that help you get on the tube before the next election. It means sticking with us. It means proving your worth to the public in 30 second segments and slinging mud at your opponent. It means voting with the hand of your campaign contributers. You are not a public representative. You are a puppet. The corporations own you just like they own every other American citizen. You need the people's tax money to convince them otherwise. That's how you play."
Borgman
"I need another drink."