Fribbles for All

Fribbles were the most fantastic natural resource ever discovered. Rupert Dingleberry was the gentleman who discovered the only known source of Fribbles beneath a melting glacier on his property in Alaska. A few years ago he was walking his schnauzer and there they were, precisely 800,000,000 of them sitting in a huge pit; identical, pristine, and beautiful. He had no idea what to do with them, so there they sat.

Rupert lived in the small town of Bigville, and when word got out that Rupert had Fribbles on his property, folks were stunned. Nothing this exiting had ever happened in their little town. Everyone thought they would have access to cheap Fribbles. Mr. Dingleberry was an instant celebrity, and so was his schnauzer, Lorenzo.

Rupert would haul loads of Fribbles into town and sell them. He made a living doing this. The folks loved the Fribbles so much they were happy to pay a reasonable price for them. After all, they made life so much easier.

When Washington caught wind of the Fribbles bonanza going on in mainland Alaska there was pandemonium. The President called the news media and asked them to produce a hue and cry from the public. They did. "Alaskan's hoarding Fribbles" was front page news the next day. By mid-afternoon everyone knew what a Fribble was, and were shocked, SHOCKED, the Alaskans were such selfish miscreants. Politicians rallied behind the President. "Fribbles for all" was the call from the pundits.

As it turns out, the lawyers discovered Rupert did not have Fribble rights on his property. Some said there was ambiguity in the law defining "Fribble rights discovered under glaciers," but these folks were skewered on the news - dubbed "pinheads." The Department of Homeland Security sent troops to guard the Fribble deposit from an "impending terrorist attack." Dissent was marginalized by reports of "overwhelming public opinion" in favor of public ownership of Fribbles. The WC ("We Care") association was established to defend "fair Fribble distribution."

Rupert's Fribble pit was seized and an electric fence secured the deposit. A machine gun nest stood at the gate. A permanent military base was constructed in Bigville. The price of Fribbles skyrocketed, but since only people in Bigville had ever bought Fribbles, no one in the lower 48 states even noticed.

Due to their convenient size, unique characteristics, intrinsic value, scarcity and durability, Fribbles were increasingly used in trade. WC endorsed their use as currency. All of the sudden, everyone wanted to get their hands on more Fribbles!

All government employees were paid in Fribbles. Well, they weren't actually paid in Fribbles, but notes that were redeemable in Fribbles. All international debts were also paid in Fribbles. Before long, all government debt was backed by Fribbles. Soldiers could now be sent to defend the United States against Fribble seeking terrorists and compensated with Fribble notes. Soon, Fribbles replaced the dollar entirely.

Few people actually had Fribbles. In fact, owning Fribbles themselves was illegal. Everyone used Fribble notes. One day, a scientist actually did some studies on a Fribble. In his Virginia laboratory, Dr. Danger poked them, froze them, crushed them, soaked them in acid, and even ate one. It tasted like strawberries. After several days of study, Dr. Danger was mesmerized by the amazing properties of the Fribble. He hypothesized they were indestructible.

Then, one day, Dr. Danger assembled all the leading scientists in the world to scrutinize the Fribble. He gave his first speech before a crowded outdoor amphitheater. With a Fribble placed before him, resting on a marble pedestal, Dr. Danger professed its wonders.

On this day, Virginia was in the midst of a record breaking heat wave. Never in recorded history had the mercury risen so high. In fact, this day was so hot, during his speech, the doctor frequently wiped sweat from his forehead and paused for a sip of water. Suddenly, at a point when all in attendance were focused on the Fribble, it vanished in a cloud of vapor.

It was soon disclosed that Fribbles indeed have one weakness. They evaporate instantly at precisely 110 degrees Fahrenheit.

The people realized Fribbles were of dubious intrinsic value.

Everything got real ugly after that.