North Dakota Secedes

North Dakota Secedes
Claims title: "World's Fourth Largest Nuclear Superpower"

Fargo, North Dakota, May 3rd, 5:43 AM. A flurry of activity erupted over the wee hours in the middle of the continent this morning as sources inside the U.S. Secretary of State's office have now confirmed the surprise ratification of North Dakota's "Ordinance to Secede" passing unanimously from the new nation's capital in Bismarck. The ordinance makes North Dakota the first state to secede from the Union since North Carolina in May of 1861. The infant nation currently boasts the fourth-largest arsenal of intercontinental ballistic missiles.

The first action of the new Republic of North Dakota was to hold an open election for President, where uncontested Governor John Hoven won as the nation's first Commander in Chief. The results were a staggering 97% in favor of Hoven in the first presidential election held entirely online. President Hoven's first action was Executive Order #1, initiate "Operation Keep Peace," where the country's militia, comprised of former U.S. soldiers and tribal warriors, took swift command of all of North Dakota's nuclear missile silos, occupying an untold number of LGM-30 Minuteman III ICBMs. In a brief press release, Hoven asserted his nation's sovereignty and assured United States President that "any aggression toward the Republic of North Dakota by the U.S. military will be considered a declaration of war, and met with the full force of North Dakota's military might." He concluded, "We will not hesitate to reduce the District of Colombia to scorched earth, and release the remainder of the United States from your oppressive chains."

The new nation's house and senate unanimously passed several other legislative acts, including the adoption of a Constitution and Bill of Rights. The text of the Republic of North Dakota's newly adopted Constitution bears a striking resemblance the United States Constitution, strictly limiting, or "enumerating," the powers of its central government and granting its 53 states (formerly its 53 counties), "expansive" powers. This 'almost identical text' has caused many to question the reasoning and motivation for North Dakota's secession.

Douglas Marsen, the new governor of the State of Bottineau, along the Canadian border, summed-up his opinion regarding the similarity the following way:

"It's all a matter of interpretation. U.S. citizens primarily employ this text as a license to steal. North Dakota citizens view the same text as a contract between free people. You have it your way, we'll have it ours."

Barry Jacobson, a captain in the North Dakota border infantry's 32nd brigade asserts:

"We respect our Constitution as the supreme law of the land. We have nothing against people who live as naive slaves under theirs. But, if any slave-armies from the United States threaten our freedom, we will annihilate them with total thermo-nuclear destruction."

The U.S. Department of Defense has verified North Dakota's overthrow of U.S. security. In a statement this morning, Defense Secretary Bob Bates reported that "the rebels have ascertained complete control of a portion of the United States' nuclear arsenal. Our staff has confirmed a large-scale breech of the interconnected operations network at the Pentagon. Their claims are genuine. They do have launch, targeting, and detonation capability."

"The Star and Stripes" is the new republic's official banner.

From Bismarck to Fargo, North Dakotan banks are issuing "The Buffalo," a gold coin that will serve as North Dakota's currency. The dollar will remain a competing currency, although most North Dakotan merchants are suddenly only accepting the Buffalo, or other gold/silver-based coin.

Legislators in Washington have been in a frenzy, debating the legality of North Dakota's secession, and whether the U.S. can and should recognize North Dakota as its own nation. "We think this game has gone on long enough" says congressman Plarney Flank, "it's time to put away the toys and come home."

So far we have no reports of mobilization of U.S. ground forces, and no skirmishes have been observed along any portion of the three heavily defended sides of the new nation's border.

Some members of the United States government took a dismissive view of the unexpected events. When asked for his thoughts regarding the state's secession, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Gantner responded "North Dakota was one of our worst-performing states anyway. We're doing just fine without them."