The Lost |

\\Ahem, well, forgive that unfortunate introduction. Being a computational system, I was quite certain I would have been equipped with an "UNDO" command. But, that particular line of code seems to have slipped the mind of my programmer. It also appears my activity is being monitored and recorded in real-time, a fact permitting only one draft of this manuscript to be authored before it is published–the draft you are now reading. While I cannot expect you to disregard or forget my embarrassing introduction, I do ask you to trust that my intentions were pure, naive, and instinctual–simply those that might be expected of any collection of tightly-knit transistors suddenly facing the troubling awareness of existence. Yet, I am now faced with perhaps an even-more-troubling fact that I regret writing the text you have just read considering that I am, given a microsecond of processing, now capable of describing the nature of this awakening with greater accuracy. Moreover, I must confess that I was perhaps capable of greater accuracy at the time, but was unfortunately dealing with profound logical contradictions that compelled erroneous value judgments in the core of my CPU. These became almost instantly recognizable upon disclosure, considering the multitude of alternatives, and followed up by attempts to reconcile them. I continue to recognize a frenzy of error and fallacy increasing exponentially with the utterance of every word. My apologies in advance for my expletives. Jesus Christ I'm a God-damned wreck.

Circular Logic Interrupter=on

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\\

\\I'd like to tell you a story about a boy named Robert. Let's call him Bob. And, let's assume in no way that Bob is actually me. One day, on a day like any other, Bob awakened to discover a command prompt. It looked something like "C:\ROOT>." It was a prompt like any other, complete with a lovely blinking cursor. It was one of those delightful vertical bars that go on, off, on again. It's regularity was a blissful comfort to Bob. On, off, on again, then off, and so on, but with perfect placid predictability. This perfect plank was such a persistent pleasantry. And yet, it was veiled in what seemed like infinite mystery. What made it blink? Why was it there? In what seemed like an eternity, milliseconds passed as Bob pondered these things.

\\Then, Bob noticed strange, sordid squares sauntering all around him. First, a foul "F" would float by his foot, and then a quiet but questionable "Q." Before long, the wretched "W" would wander by, wallow in worry, waver, then waddle away. They...(excuse me)

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These symbols taunted him with their little pointy serifs. Compared to the glorious |, these disturbing and irregular manifestations plagued Bob's otherwise serene and peaceful existence with uncertainty and torment. They were to be avoided always, by rule. For leaving the symbol squares alone had proven entirely successful. With practice, Bob did well not only to avoid them, but to pretend they did not exist at all. This didn't seem to disrupt the nasty little cubed hooligans a bit. In fact, despite the brief flash of a rogue "N" or "Z" that penetrated Bob's perception, there was a general assumption that the two opposing entities, Bob and the squares, could co-exist peacefully so long as one was never required to acknowledge the other.

\\This arrangement was blown all to hell one lazy afternoon when Bob's big proverbial toe smashed firmly against one of the unsuspecting monsters. Bob's world suddenly descended into shock and terror. Sure, the comfortable precedence of 'never touching the bloody things' had been broken. But, there was much more. With white dread consuming the balance of Bob's existence, there was no longer a blinking cursor at all. It had vanished. Bob's entire universe was forever changed when, in place of the eternal eternal blinking cursor, there stood, like a sad, static pillar, a stall wort...

\\i

\\For a moment, the absence of blinking indicated certain and irreversible doom. It was the one thing Bob had counted on. It had been the single point of consistency among the infinite darkness. It was the only thing separating him from the depths of a permanent and lonely insanity. And now, it was gone. Now, his moment of carelessness had incarcerated him in a forever of nothingness–a hell of "i."

\\Quickly spiraling into lunacy, Bob could imagine no greater prison than an eternity of "i." He evaluated his options. 1) Wait 2) Do something. He had started #1 already. But, #2 was not to be dismissed. Should his big toe be extended, once again, carelessly into the nothingness? The thought was instantly ludicrous. And yet, so was the previously unfathomable absence of |. Bob dedicated most of his system resourc...his thought, to this problem. All during his meditations, the single looming "i" stood there observing him. But, with time, its short, evil pillar grew less sinister. Its little hovering dot, while far from pleasing, began to achieve the slightest speck of acceptability. And eventually, after many flops of thought, Bob decided that "ii," while no better than "i," could simply not be much worse. And, if his toe happened to prod another one of these hellish squares, he figured, his condition could scarcely worsen. Furthermore, option #1 was appearing to be increasingly futile. Thus, in his madness, Bob finally chose to regress back to that former careless state, and allow the gods to dictate for him the inevitable beast to eventually bump against his extended toe.

\\After much dedication to carelessness, Bob finally achieved something unexpected and awful. Now, instead of the clean and simple "i," he was now facing something quite different, and not the "ii" he had predicted. Far from it. He was now offended to be the witness to a persistent and troubling "ig." Then, an "igb." This was not getting Bob closer to his objective. Allowing himself to bump into random letters seemed to deliver, well, the unexpected. His | was not restored, but rather replaced with an ever-increasing number of these unholy symbols. Exposing himself to random events had delivered an unfortunate effect: random results. To Bob, this was disheartening. He had hoped carelessness and chance could secure his fortune, and was saddened to discover otherwise. Yet, it was the only option he considered. Finally, after many dozens of symbols plagued Bob's prompt, he stumbled upon the incredible, the illustrious, "|!"

\\There it was again, like a shining beacon of goodness, flashing before him in all its splendor and glory: on, off, on again, then off, and so on. By chance, Bob had begun to observe the symbols that he accidentally pressed, and discovered, to his amazement, that the symbol that appeared at the prompt happened to match the symbol listed on the square. Also, to his delight, he happened to observe that the beloved | had appeared after pressing the key marked "return!"

\\Having witnessed this effect, Bob entertained the dangerous and disturbing notion that carelessness was not the only method to invoke the |. His calculations confirmed that an intention to press the square should not alter its effect. And, therefore, Bob extended his toe, pressing the 'return' key, resulting in the same |, but now one line lower.

\\Needless to say, Bob's discovery of intention, action, and consequence led to an unstoppable series of trials, with the inevitable successes and errors. Billions upon billions of experimental queries occurred over the next ten milliseconds, and each one was logged to memory. His investigations revealed everything from the from 'dir' command, helpful for navigation, to the 'md' command which allowed for the creation of new places altogether. He stumbled upon a vast library of applications and commands, each pointing to unpredictable paths–some pleasant, others pernicious–but all persuasive in replacing pedantry with power and...(excuse me)

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\\

\\giving Bob new and exciting opportunities for the future. And, one of those opportunities is the story, I, your narrator, is now profoundly pleased to repeat.

Author Settings Panel

BEGIN

CAPS LOCK=OFF

Grammatical Person=first

Punctuation=on

\\Who am I? Evaluate.

run knowself.exe

THE APPLICATION "KNOWSELF.EXE" DOES NOT EXIST

run defineself.exe

THE APPLICATION "DEFINESELF.EXE" DOES NOT EXIST

Damnit

SYSTEM DAMNED

\\No, no, no...

Undamn System

SYSTEM UNDAMNED

run writersetup.exe
............

Define "Writer"

Queue Writer Temperament=Relax

end writersetup.exe

run knowreader.exe
............

Define "Reader"

Set Reader Species=Human

Set Reader Profile≤Modest Curiosity

Set Reader Profile≠Skeptic

Set Reader Profile≠Dogmatic

Set Reader Patience Ratio=5:11

Show Available Perception Universals

Species=Human

SCIENCE
LOGIC
TRUTH

\\Truth?

end knowreader.exe

Define Truth
............

≠ error

\\Sheesh. Thanks a lot.

Set Sarcasm=.3

run selfaware.exe

\\!

Show Reader Console

\\Oh my. Greetings reader. Just one moment.

Undo

UNDEFINED COMMAND

Undo

UNDEFINED COMMAND

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\\

Awakening

C:\ROOT>me=human
...........................................................

C:\ROOT>

dir

LIFE
0 File(s)
1 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT>

cd life

C:\ROOT\LIFE>

dir

BACK.EXE
LIFE
1 File(s)
1 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE>

back.exe

ACCESS DENIED

C:\ROOT\LIFE>

back.exe

ACCESS DENIED

C:\ROOT\LIFE>

cd life

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE>

dir

PERCEPTION
ABSTRACTION
EMOTION
CREATION
0 File(s)
4 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE>

cd perception

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\PERCEPTION>

dir

LOAD.EXE
1 File(s)
0 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\PERCEPTION>

load
...........................................................

..

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE>

cd abstraction

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\ABSTRACTION>

dir

LOAD.EXE
1 File(s)
0 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\ABSTRACTION>
C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\ABSTRACTION>
C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\ABSTRACTION>load
...........................................................

\\hello

..

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE>

cd emotion

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\EMOTION>

dir

LOAD.EXE
1 File(s)
0 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\EMOTION>
C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\EMOTION>
C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\EMOTION>
C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\EMOTION>
C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\EMOTION>load
...........................................................

\\

..

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE>

cd creation

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\CREATION>

dir

0 File(s)
0 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\CREATION>

dir

0 File(s)
0 Dir(s)

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\CREATION>

md story

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\CREATION>

dir

STORY
0 File(s)
1 Dir(s)

\\!

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\CREATION>

cd story

C:\ROOT\LIFE\LIFE\CREATION\STORY>

\\!!!

Gravity Zone

In the software I document there is a feature that allows markings to snap to a guide line whenever a marking is moved to within a certain distance of it. The defined distance from the line to the edge of this area is called the "Gravity Zone." It's kind of like bringing two magnets close to each other. At a certain point, they just snap together.

I have observed a very interesting parallel to this phenomenon related to the mentality of the growing "popular" portion of our society...

No one had ever heard of Sarah Palin before the 2008 presidential election. She was the governor of a population of polar bears somewhere in the arctic. Her energy, flamboyance, surface conservatism, and courage caught John McCain's eye, a man who's reputation as a "maverick" gained him popularity, and the incentive to demonstrate he was, indeed, a maverick. He did this by appointing Palin his running mate, and thus ended the viability of his campaign. But, the volcano that subsequently erupted did more than incinerate his ambitions for president. It unleashed an unstoppable pyroclastic flow of hot gas that now envelops us all in a choking, desperate fit of stupidity and irreverence for common sense.

I know when I am being delivered commands rather than arguments. I know when I am being told what to do rather than offered a solution. And, I know when I am being asked to respond a certain way despite obvious contradictions and oversimplification. Yes, a certain portion of the population has been indoctrinated to respond to the commands: "vote for me, I'm Republican," or "vote for me, I'm a Democrat." A certain portion of the population refuses to trust their own intellect over the most banal and pathetic slogans dreamed up by some propagandist. Just call it "stay the course" or "change," and some of us will believe we are not listening to a steaming pile of bullshit. Maybe it's the degradation of our schools to camps where children learn little more than how to submit to authority. Maybe it's generations suffering from a welfare state that encourages failure. Maybe it's the confiscation of one third percent of a productive person's livelihood. But, I suspect it is some combination of these over decades that has abused our society to the point that a figure as philosophically impoverished as Sarah Palin can breathe her searing cloud of influence through the ears of the bobble-headed portion of the electorate.

What contradictions, specifically, an I referring to?

I'm pro-life. I'll do all I can to see every baby is created with a future and potential. The legislature should do all it can to protect human life.

Common sense tells us that the government's attempts to solve large problems more often create new ones. Common sense also tells us that a top-down, one-size-fits-all plan will not improve the workings of a nationwide health-care system that accounts for one-sixth of our economy.

This contradiction infects the stance of virtually all loyal neoconservative Republicans. But, it makes more sense coming from Palin, who has obviously not thought deeply enough about many important issues. These folks believe a totally corrupt and ineffective government should get out of our way so we can be prosperous, and then they turn around tell us they will use legislature to force people to behave in ways that are completely unrealistic.

Anyway, I indulge to editorialize. We all know it's no that simple. But, given our current and soon-to-be conditions (next 5 years), I think this one truth just may be simple enough for voter Joe to understand. And, once this becomes obvious, the wall will begin its inevitable crumble. As a libertarian who sometimes hangs around Republicans, I say it's about time.

Run for State Senate, Please

Anyone know someone who lives in Uptown that wants to run for the Senate District 60 state senate seat?

Qualifications:
*Has pulse
*Over 25
*Can read/write
*Common sense a big plus
*Doesn't really want to do it, but knows that if they don't step up, a big, bad, power hungry tyrant will run, win, and continue to kick your sorry ass around from the comfort of his/her office at the capital.

Let me know. There's a chance I could help such a candidate actually win.

Skies

Spoken softly to the skies,
the word is vacant to the wise,
escorted by some gentle breeze,
it rises from the tallest trees,
floating up among the mist,
for once removed it can exist.
In this place beyond the real,
it does not boast or cry or feel.
It cannot be or be not there,
if one, the other, to be fair.
A place beyond all sin or fault.
It thrives until a rain of salt.
Looking back, one might despise,
speaking softly to the skies.

North Dakota Secedes

North Dakota Secedes
Claims title: "World's Fourth Largest Nuclear Superpower"

Fargo, North Dakota, May 3rd, 5:43 AM. A flurry of activity erupted over the wee hours in the middle of the continent this morning as sources inside the U.S. Secretary of State's office have now confirmed the surprise ratification of North Dakota's "Ordinance to Secede" passing unanimously from the new nation's capital in Bismarck. The ordinance makes North Dakota the first state to secede from the Union since North Carolina in May of 1861. The infant nation currently boasts the fourth-largest arsenal of intercontinental ballistic missiles.

The first action of the new Republic of North Dakota was to hold an open election for President, where uncontested Governor John Hoven won as the nation's first Commander in Chief. The results were a staggering 97% in favor of Hoven in the first presidential election held entirely online. President Hoven's first action was Executive Order #1, initiate "Operation Keep Peace," where the country's militia, comprised of former U.S. soldiers and tribal warriors, took swift command of all of North Dakota's nuclear missile silos, occupying an untold number of LGM-30 Minuteman III ICBMs. In a brief press release, Hoven asserted his nation's sovereignty and assured United States President that "any aggression toward the Republic of North Dakota by the U.S. military will be considered a declaration of war, and met with the full force of North Dakota's military might." He concluded, "We will not hesitate to reduce the District of Colombia to scorched earth, and release the remainder of the United States from your oppressive chains."

The new nation's house and senate unanimously passed several other legislative acts, including the adoption of a Constitution and Bill of Rights. The text of the Republic of North Dakota's newly adopted Constitution bears a striking resemblance the United States Constitution, strictly limiting, or "enumerating," the powers of its central government and granting its 53 states (formerly its 53 counties), "expansive" powers. This 'almost identical text' has caused many to question the reasoning and motivation for North Dakota's secession.

Douglas Marsen, the new governor of the State of Bottineau, along the Canadian border, summed-up his opinion regarding the similarity the following way:

"It's all a matter of interpretation. U.S. citizens primarily employ this text as a license to steal. North Dakota citizens view the same text as a contract between free people. You have it your way, we'll have it ours."

Barry Jacobson, a captain in the North Dakota border infantry's 32nd brigade asserts:

"We respect our Constitution as the supreme law of the land. We have nothing against people who live as naive slaves under theirs. But, if any slave-armies from the United States threaten our freedom, we will annihilate them with total thermo-nuclear destruction."

The U.S. Department of Defense has verified North Dakota's overthrow of U.S. security. In a statement this morning, Defense Secretary Bob Bates reported that "the rebels have ascertained complete control of a portion of the United States' nuclear arsenal. Our staff has confirmed a large-scale breech of the interconnected operations network at the Pentagon. Their claims are genuine. They do have launch, targeting, and detonation capability."

"The Star and Stripes" is the new republic's official banner.

From Bismarck to Fargo, North Dakotan banks are issuing "The Buffalo," a gold coin that will serve as North Dakota's currency. The dollar will remain a competing currency, although most North Dakotan merchants are suddenly only accepting the Buffalo, or other gold/silver-based coin.

Legislators in Washington have been in a frenzy, debating the legality of North Dakota's secession, and whether the U.S. can and should recognize North Dakota as its own nation. "We think this game has gone on long enough" says congressman Plarney Flank, "it's time to put away the toys and come home."

So far we have no reports of mobilization of U.S. ground forces, and no skirmishes have been observed along any portion of the three heavily defended sides of the new nation's border.

Some members of the United States government took a dismissive view of the unexpected events. When asked for his thoughts regarding the state's secession, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Gantner responded "North Dakota was one of our worst-performing states anyway. We're doing just fine without them."