Independence Day

Every discussion about religion should end with "I'll see you in hell." I think it's also a good way to start...

So, when we get there, do you think we'll be able to complain about the heat and argue over the nature and temperament of our new pointy-tailed overlord? "The big guy seems to have a particularly voracious appetite for soul today; makes ours seem like an appetizer." Will we have time to discuss hell politics or ponder the nature of the afterlife? Oooh, wait. It would be the afterlife. No more lively speculation about that one. We would be fairly certain that things really could not get much worse. I mean, there isn't a "sub-hell" or anything, is there? If we were situated in a tolerable ring, imagine the possibilities! Eternal damnation is no longer a threat. Our pious hearts would no longer tremble with perpetual fear as they do here on earth. We could perhaps relax and enjoy a gentle roasting assured that our thoughts and actions would not deliver us to that screaching, blistering eternity of indescribable suffering. Think of the sinning we could do!

We could start at the top of the list and work our way down. Let's see, first we would make a toast to Satan, and agree that he is far superior to God. Then, toast to ourselves. Then, we could think of a whole bunch of silly names for God, and call him those. Oooh, what fun. Of course, this would all have to occur on a Sunday, and involve lots of work. Sinning ain't easy. Next, we could dishonor our parents somehow, which shouldn't be too dificult. Murder? Hm. Well, since there are no rules any longer, it would be okay to skip that one, but adultery would be a shoe-in. Woe to the unmarried without the opportunity to indulge in that particularly agreeable sin. Let's see. Next we have stealing, easy. We'll rip-off some of Satan's property. Bear false witness? "Hey, Satan, that guy stole your briar! I think he's after your trident." Covet? Not really sure what that one means exactly, but we would need to find a neighbor somewhere and do it to his wife, his male and female slaves, his ox, his donkey, and everything that belongs to him. Just finding a neighbor with all these things will probably be enough work to satisfy sin number 4. Then, we will need to rest for 6 days, and do it all over again next Sunday. Whew.

See? Hell ain't so bad. It's all how you approach it. In wilderness survival they call that PMA for "Positive Mental Attitude." I imagine a resolute cheerfulness would make hell quite tolerable, and even enjoyable...much better than all this terror of impending doom we have here on earth; what a downer. I imagine hell is really a place where we can gain a bit of independence from such things and live as happy, healthy demons. In fact, I'm quite looking forward to my stay, and look forward to seeing you there.