The UHM

"There it is, Mr. Wolthrow, your custom-built UHM. Do you approve?"

"Ah, a very curious shape, Mr. Ventner. You mentioned my need for such a device, but please remind me...what exactly does it do?"

"This is your Universal Happiness Machine, Mr. Wolthrow. It makes you happy."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, instantly. What do you think?"

"Well, how does it work?"

"Well, you approach the machine, like so."

"Yes, and then?"

"Then, it begins introducing the happiness waves. It places you in an agreeable mood, Mr. Wolthrow. It lifts your spirits, that is all."

"Oh, right, makes sense. Alright, let me give it a shot here..."

"Okay."

"Ah, yes, it seems to be working."

"Yes, you've just noticed, but it has already begun working, actually."

"Oh, right, of course. We have been standing here for a few minutes. I must say, excellent work Mr. Ventner! I am so impressed with your invention, that I am going to introduce it to everyone I know, do you mind?"

"Not at all, but it wouldn't matter either way."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, well, since you are under the influence of the machine, you are happy with anything I say. I could tell you that the machine is for you alone, and must not be exposed to anyone else, and you would approve completely."

"Interesting. Yes, all for me. Indeed, I would approve of that. In fact, let us reserve the machine for ourselves. Splendid. An excellent idea."

"Thank you."

"Tell me, Mr. Ventner, can the machine be broken? I must know. Is it reliable?"

"It is solid-state titanium and impervious to damage. There are no moving parts, and its effects are completely consistent and predictable. It is powered by 1.51 giggawatts from its core fusion reactor. Its energy reserves are enough for 100 trillion years of constant use before it needs a recharge."

"Of course. You have done marvelous work, and are an excellent inverter, Mr. Ventner, but I fear there is a slight problem."

"Oh, what you are experiencing is not exactly fear, Mr. Wolthrow, but perhaps doubt or confusion. Such things challenge the UHM, but I am afraid the machine is flawless. Please be assured that while you may be experiencing the rational inclination for fear, you are nonetheless happy. The machines waves are capable of usurping rationality, and render you immune to the slightest degree of dread or angst. But, please continue..."

"Yes, well that is certainly a relief, because I was almost certain that was fear, but now it is extinguished completely. You see, it's just that..."

"I might suggest that you attempt to fear again, Mr. Wolthrow. Please do so immediately...to test the machine...be as afraid as you can be."

"Yes, that is an appropriate test. I must challenge the integrity of your work."

...

"Hm. Curious."

...

"This is incredible, Mr. Ventner. As much as I try to fear, it is useless. I seem incapable of fear presently, and it is not a fearful condition in the least. As I attempt to deliver myself into the most trepidatious state, I am simply helpless to the powerful influences of your happiness machine. I feel as though I am incapable of fear altogether. This should make me extremely concerned, but it does not."

"Of course not. Like I said, the machine does not play by your rules. You cannot challenge it with reason. It wins every time."

"That is the most terrifying thought, but I am somehow elated and relieved to hear it. How can this be?"

"Now, tell me, what was it that you thought you feared?"

"Oh, yes, well I now know that it was not fear but a tingle of doubt and maybe some confusion as well. You see, I do not care to walk away from the machine, Mr. Ventener. I do not care to experience life outside of the influences of the UHM. What I thought was fear was actually the acknowledgment that I need nothing else other than the UHM, and that is an unfamiliar feeling."

"Oh, you can't be serious, Mr. Wolthrow. It's only a machine."

"Only a machine!? But, I desire happiness so much that I care to remain standing precisely where I am forever."

"Here, let me show you that it is not as wonderful as it seems."

"Yes, you are pinching me...yes, rather hard I might add. I am in a bit of pain. Ha. Quite a bit of pain. I am still happy. This is very strange. I simply cannot wipe this smile off of my face...I expect you will stop short of a nurple."

"Oh, is that not countering the effects, Mr. Wolthrow? Well, I can resolve this."

"AAAGHGH! You have just given me a cosmic wedgie. How dare you! The elastic band of my underwear has been torn from my briefs and lifted over my head. Yet, I am almost giddy with outrageous happiness, yes, even as you pound your knuckles into my skull, delivering the most tremendous noogie I have ever experienced."

"My machine is impenetrable, Mr. Wolthrow. Invincible. It cannot be overcome, and you simply must learn to accept that. It is always here for you at your request. You see, now that you know that this machine exists, you never need to worry about leaving it. You can come back to it when you need to. You may even one day decided that you no longer need the machine."

"Impossible."

"The machine does not harm you when you walk away. In my testing procedures I spent so much time next to the UHM that I found myself unwilling to distance myself. But, I soon found that my happiness remained even when I walked away from the machine. Sometimes I could remain happy for weeks at a time without approaching the machine.

"So, how long do the effects last? How long will my happiness remain after I walk away from the machine?"

"Its residual effects are formidable, and enduring, but not permanent. Outside the sphere of the UHM, one can find much reason for things other than happiness, if such a thing could be imagined now, while under its influence. It is only the extreme integrity of the machine itself that can mitigate these things, and the knowledge that it does not alter its happiness-giving properties based on assumption or whim. I designed it to be constant and reliable. In no other way could fear and doubt be entirely removed."

"I see. Hm. So, if everyone had a UHM I imagine we would have less need for a UHM in the first place."

"Indeed. But, the necessary materials are scarce. There is only enough happiridium in the universe for one. Instead, I designed the happiness waves to be contagious. So, when you leave the machine, you emit waves around you. After all, the effects would be far from permanent if they were not transferable. In this way you should not be afraid to leave the UHM, but desire to depart it sometimes, so others can experience the effects. Eventually, you will trust the machine enough to leave for long durations. For example, these days even my worst fears disappear as soon as I even think of the UHM...even when I am thousands of miles away. "

"Excellent work, Mr. Ventner. You seem to have worked yourself out of a job."

"Thank you, Mr. Wolthrow I never much cared for a job anyway."

"One more thing. Is this plug extending from the machine supposed to be connected to an electrical outlet?"

"Oh, never mind that, Mr. Wolthrow. Remember the thermonuclear core. Come along, it's time to test the machine's endurance. There is an excellent ice cream shop outside of its immediate sphere of influence. Let us attempt to eliminate its effects there."

"Yes, that is a splendid idea. There certainly must be something terribly unhappy at the ice cream shop. I am very optimistic our plan will be a success."