Breeze Over Gimmee Island

Floating off the shore from one particular nondescript point at sea, one could observe in awe each community going about their daily business.

At one tip of Gimmee Island steam rose from Beet Village, home of the Beeticans (Pop. 1000). Today, like every day, the Beetican's enormous cauldrons were being fed by conveyor from large piles of freshly harvested beets. Beets were their only crop, and only food requirement.

Turning an eye to the other tip of the island, one could distinguish the bustle of activity from Bean Village, home of the Beanies (Pop. 1000). The Beanies feverishly piled enormous mountains of their own delicacy, beans, using giant cranes, ropes and and pulleys. Beans were their only crop, and only food requirement.

The Beanies and Beeticans, although lacking in culinary diversity, did enjoy abundance...

One Beetican was capable of consuming several dozen tons of beets in a single day. In fact, no red-blooded Beetican would arise from slumber ten minutes without a sensible breakfast of at least one ton. Steamed, fried, boiled or roasted, the Beeticans were pleased to spend every waking moment either preparing for their next feast, or enjoying their current one.

On the other side of the island, the Beanies were also afflicted with ravenous hunger. The average Beanie delighted in several dozen tons of their own crop on a daily basis as well. Baked, refried, or even raw, mountains of beans were digested with frantic haste upon their harvest. When the mountains could be replenished fast enough, Beanies could hardly sleep, overwhelmed by their delirious, insatiable obsession with the scrumdidlyumptiousness.

The Beeticans and Beanies were farmers, but didn't actually do any farming themselves. Actually, farming was quite beneath them. They had laborers to deal with such things, who they called the Goways (or "Go Aways"). Both the Beanies and Beeticans called them this because they just wanted them to bring food and go away. The Goways didn't have much of an appetite, and could pretty much live on the tiny scraps of Beans and Beets that flew from the Beanies' and Beeticans' enormous mouths during the constant, rampant mastication. Goways had no preference, and ate either beans or beets, whichever was available. They lived among the countryside and numbered about 500.

There was one main difference between Beet Village and Bean Village. Due to the digestive process, Bean Village was under continuous siege from the inescapable effects of perpetual flatulence. On still days, a great cloud of methane filled the air over nearly one-half of the island. This was something the Beanies had tolerated for centuries, and was not at all an issue in their quaint village. Ambitious Goways were also willing to endure the disagreeable environment for the slightly higher nutritional value of beans. Also, being upwind, Beet Village seldom if ever experienced a hint of the stench that loomed over the island's other half. All was well for many centuries.

Suddenly one day, the inevitable occurred. Beet Village awoke to what most considered the most horrific of possible conditions. As they loafed from their beds to their steaming piles of boiled beets, the horror was unbearable. An easterly wind wafted the unmistakable scent of digested beans forcefully against their nasal passageways. The effect was putrid enough to set some off of their breakfast. In fact, as the wind persisted, some of the Beeticans were even forced to skip lunch as well!

Some wept, some prayed, and some attempted silly little dances as great rolls of fat jiggled like whale blubber among their sedentary, morbidly obese figures. As much as they hoped, the relentless draft grew ever more pungent with each passing minute. The Beanie's filth was overpowering and relentless, and it was taking away the most important thing the Beetican's had...their appetite.

As the voraciousness of Beet Village diminished, pangs of grief were trumpeted by all. "Why, oh why, are they doing this to us!" women screamed. "Why can't they just eat Beets like the rest of us!" The public outcry was fierce, and the village council finally voted to have the Goways assemble a cart to haul Jim Bob, "The Cheif," to Bean Village to negotiate.

The Chief arrived three days later with his caravan of beets. As he was carried through the village gate, his eyes watered in disgust. "GO AWAY" he screamed as the Goaways threw off their yokes and scattered. The king of Bean Village, John, approached, carried by his own crew of Goways.

"Hey John, good to see ya. You've got one hell of a stank over here as usual."
"That's what they tell me Chief. Hardly notice anymore. How's the crop this year?"
"Oh, fine, crop's fine. You know, damn Goways."
"I hear ya, never want to go away, do they..."
"Nope, they sure don't."

The Chief grabbed a giant handful of beets, poured them down his throat and swallowed them whole like a snake choking down an over-sized rat.

"Well. Anyway, I thought you might like to try these. Mighty tasty!"
"Oh, thanks Chief, but I can't stand beets. You know, us Beanies do like our beans."

John squinted, and followed-up his response with a robust, lengthly series of repulsive explosions, which rocked his lazy-boy throne violently.

"Right, well, you see, this easterly wind just isn't letting up, and we were wondering if you could try eating beets for a couple days...you know, just so the town can enjoy their meals until the wind shifts. I've brought several dozen tons with me... "
"No-can-do partner. You know how popular that would be. The village would revolt!"
"Well, looks like another war, doesn't it."
"Sure does. Well, sheesh, nothing I can do about it, of course. The village is either against me or against you, and I'm no traitor. Let us have it partner."
"Will do. Take care now."
"Yep. Take care."

The Chief was carried back to Beanie Village and war was declared. Each side assembled 250 Goways and the battles raged. Beanie Village would protect its right to eat beans. Beet Village would have its appetite back. Piles of limbs and guts littered the countryside as the The Chief and John both staged public executions to demonstrate the cost of retreat. The Goways slaughtered each other ruthlessly. The Beanies and Beeticans cheered their Goways with parades and medals. The Goways were finally not asked to "go away," and that was somehow a sufficient consolation for their perilous situation.

When the entrails of all the Goways were strewn about the island but one, the war was officially over. Beet Village had won! The last Goway, Fred, stood bloody but triumphant over his cousin Goways he had just impaled through the face. Beet Village could finally eat in peace!

But, the wind had shifted long ago. In fact, the wind reversed direction before the first battle. But, neither the Beanies nor the Beeticans cared to back down, besides, it was the Goways fighting, and this was an excellent way to make them go away.

Thus was life at Gimmee Island. Beet Village and Bean Village decided it was worth a temporary diet of twelve tons a day. They sold some beets and beans, and bought Fred a nice big tractor and combine so he could supply all the beans and beets by himself (and go away faster). Before long the Beanies and the Beeticans could focus all of their energy on gorging themselves once again.