Save Us Grunt Monkeys!

Our yellow rockin' nuclear submarine rests at the floor of the deepest abyss on the planet, and when I hear the walls creak it is kind of creepy (which is more often these days). But usually I forget about it and enjoy myself - all of us do. This is no regular submarine. Yesterday I awoke, strolled across the hall into our 10,000 square foot recreation area and played racquetball. I'm a member of the Club, and our clan always goes to the spa for complimentary massages afterwards. Yes, we have a spa here, and a staff of lovely attendants. This is our Saturday ritual and we've done it ever since the accident. Well, it was hardly an accident. We gently glided onto a flat and level portion of the sea floor. Some didn't even notice we crashed!
Oh, and the food! For breakfast I ate Mahi Mahi and eggs. You wouldn't think they complement each other, but our chefs are damn good. So good I often order the most obscure thing on the menu. Food is all part of the package, and it means I don't have to worry about overeating or cholesteral or anything. The chefs mold my meals according to my medical charts and physical activity. There is a whole department hired by the Club that handles nutrition. It's kind of funny, non-crew members can actually request a specific level of health. If I choose a higher BMI on my account's LP (Life Preference) settings I get larger portions and extra desserts! Everyone would see that on the CM (Club Monitor) though and I'd kind of look like a slob, but the option is there. Right now I'm already on a "socially active lifestyle plan" which compels extra physical activity and a low-cal diet for a couple extra beers on the weekend - all my friends are too. (It feels sort of rebellious). My level of compliance is constantly recorded and displayed in real-time on the CM. I work out hard early in the week so I can relax a bit as the weekend nears - I do like beer.
Club membership pretty much takes care of everything actually, and just about everyone on the sub is a Club member. We call the few remaining non-Club members grunt monkeys because they work twice as hard for the same pay. They also drive the tiny fishing and mining subs, which look like bananas. The Club owns those. Anyway, Club membership has become very expensive and the dues keep going up. Basically everyone also works for the Club, so they actually just take more out of our paycheck. Like I said, the Club takes care of everything, so we don't complain. This time the dues went up because the chef's union needed more money for fish. They said the grunt monkeys raised the price of fish for some reason. Something about a higher mini-sub user fee. (Damn grunt monkeys!) The Club Captains know we won't stand for second-rate fish, so the dues went up.
Actually, this means that the amount I earn is precisely the same as the Club dues. (I'm just a cameraman for the sub porn industry, so my income is relatively low.) It's a common predicament, and everyone knows what happens next. When they raise dues again, I'll tell the Club captains I can't afford it because they aren't paying me enough. I know the Club needs our membership dues to survive, and can't do without sub porn. They will raise the mini-banana-sub user fee on the grunt monkeys. Then, they will give me a raise, but just enough to cover the extra dues. But, the extra Club income from the mini-banana-sub user fee won't be quite enough. The Club will also have to borrow some money to pay me every two weeks. Overall, the Club actually borrows about half the money it pays to its workers from the super-rich Grunt Monkey Bank, which is owned by the Club Captain's red-headed identical triplet bastard stepchildren. (And, just because they officially named the bank "Grunt Monkey" doesn't mean it's still not used exclusively the pejorative.) So anyway, the portion of the dues that consists of real money combined only covers the interest payment on this huge loan. And, since the dues always go up, the proportion of real money compared to borrowed money in each month's revenue will always go down. The GMB (Grunt Monkey Bank) knows it can't stay in business if the Club is broke, so when the Club says it can't pay, the GMB just lowers the monthly payment and reschedules the payment over a few more years. Or, sometimes it gives the Club another loan so it has the money to pay. In any case, it all ends up working out just fine. Well, time for my power rock ballad jello-yoga class.
Ha, the Club's sub maintenance crew just went on strike. Fix that damn creaking grunt monkeys!