Sunday, October 17, 2010
Why "The Sasquatch Files"
Because I am a hairy, reclusive primate with big feet, and no hope of assimilating into the general community of self-aware bipeds. I have no interest in the success or failure of mankind, because the forest provides everything I need–the forest and my highly sophisticated subterrainian bunker deep within the bedrock. I am just a curious observer of your world from beneath. The sasquatch community lives underground in a peaceful, friendly society with no need for "government" or "employers" of any kind. Every sasquatch is his own sovereign nation engaging in trade with other sasquatches on his own terms. We have only one rule: "don't do anything that would cause us to make a rule." Rare offenses are dealt with individually and without use of force. We are heavily armed at all times. (There has never been a case of sasquatch murder.) We carry firearms always as a symbolic reminder of our sovereignty and responsibility to the peace of the sasquatch society. Pretty simple, really. Also, when you homo sapiens struggle with technology, we sometimes give you a nudge, or not, depending on whether we think you deserve the power–whether it will be put to use for the advancement of life or the destruction of it. Yes, even though it gets dark down here, it's good to be a sasquatch.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Portrait
Senator Max Goodwin was retiring after 6 honorable terms as a senator. He had never lost an election. Marvin Plank was an intern considering a campaign for Max's seat, and approached Max's office for some advice. Max was napping, but awoke when he heard the knocking...
"[snort] Ahem...yes, come in."
Marvin cracked the door.
"Senator, do you have a moment."
"For you, Marvin, I've got two. Please sit down."
A relieved Marvin walked into the office, which was rich with dark woodwork and leather furniture. He sat in the large armchair in front of the mahogany desk. The senator leaned back in his chair, casually observing the young gentleman. Marvin's head was tilted up and to the side, observing the new painting on the wall beside them.
"Marvin, just look at that portrait. Isn't it lovely? Majestic. Powerful. The adept strokes and rich hues present nobility beyond reproach, don't they? It's not only the image of a man, but the body of his work, even the integrity of his soul. The man is blameless and perfect, his every fiber built for the honorable, selfless service of mankind. You know, that portrait will likely endure longer than anything that gentleman has ever done. It will probably leave an honorable legacy more persuasive than anything he has said or written. Marvin, I believe that in the future, some will mistake the man in that portrait for me, don't you think?"
"It is a lovely portrait sir, and captures you well."
"You're too kind. Really. You want to know how I did it, don’t you."
"A talented, um, painter?"
"Quite right, I suppose. Yes, the painter. He needs to look into the subject's eyes, and see him not for who he is, but who he would like to be...his essence, his soul. A very good painter can see beyond the surface; dig deep to capture whatever glimmer of humanity remains beneath the bruised and battered shell of a man that defines his actual existence. You know, Marvin, beneath the ugly, rotten surface, most men carry some remnant of this true soul. Most men cling to some spark of decency deep within, like a tiny, perfect diamond in a mountain of cold, black, coal. For those of us without it, a painter of exceptional talent is required. The artist, failing to observe any goodness at all in his subject must rely purely on his own."
The senator paused, looking into space in what became an uncomfortable silence for the young intern.
"Pardon me. Senator? You are saying that..."
"I am saying that if you win, I recommend a good painter."
Marvin was caught off-guard. He nodded, trying to comprehend the strange advice. The senator regained focus.
"Marvin, if you intend to do well in politics, dissolve any remnant of such a diamond. Republican, Democrat, Independent, it doesn't matter. The careers of good men in this profession die instantly, like dogs. Whatever brought you here, your belief in 'goodness' or 'service' or 'virtue,' is your weakness. My colleagues and I shred men like you before breakfast. If you expect to see a painting of yourself like the one hanging on that wall, you will abandon any concept of 'morality' or 'goodness' and consider the merits of pragmatism, preservation. Only when you can do that will you be begin to succeed. I suspect you believe that, theoretically, once a foot is in the door, you could do 'good.' But, son, by that time, it is far too late. It is a shame that all rookies dismiss this fact until they see it for themselves, then look back upon the welded hatch that forever forbids them from returning to the naive, innocent world left behind. A sad fact, indeed."
Marvin nodded slowly. Max took a deep breath and continued...
"You say you are 'independent' and 'libertarian.' You believe the people can govern themselves. I made this mistake when I was your age. Obviously, they cannot govern themselves, or we would not be here, sitting on fine leather furniture. I will save you some time: abandon this nonsense at once. If "the people" knew or cared what was best for themselves, they wouldn't have cheered every time I took their money and spent it on fine leather chairs. If they knew what was best for themselves, they wouldn't put up with any of us. Marvin, make no mistake that whoever sits in this office has the unenviable job of assembling the plundered excrement of society from some available trough to sling it randomly over the heads of mankind in general. The one who shovels the most shit gets re-elected by the select few who benefit from the slinging. I represent the 25% of the people in my district who like to steal from the other 75%. How do they do it? They VOTE! They have the time and inclination to look over our shoulders. Your job, as senator, is to ensure the plundering continues by convincing the plundered 75% that they are not being robbed. Talk about children, use the word "elderly" a lot, and "security." So long as they don't look at their paycheck too closely, and they never do, they will remain seated upon their sofas being harmless, and probably watching our party propaganda. Remember this: they beg for it with their silence. Their silence is their consent, and your mandate, for whatever you prefer to buy with their silence. After the election you will use their silence to drain them for every dime you can and redistribute whatever is necessary to those 25% of the voting few who are paying attention.
Oh, and remember, give a token amount to some large charitable organization in a highly-publicized way to keep up appearances."
Marvin was speechless, paralyzed in his chair.
"Run as a Democrat, Marvin, if you want an easier job. Democrats are two trick ponies. You're libertarian, so the first part will be easy: tell them gays can marry and women can have abortions. They'll support you. Why? Because most Democrats think the state defines society. Therefore, lead your attack with false promises and attractive, popular, ideological delusions. You know...call it "reproductive rights" and "gay rights" as if they need your permission to engage in their preferred behavior. It works. I mean, you know the facts. You know any two women can cohabitate, fertilize themselves (naturally or artificially), and perform ceremonial abortions on a regular basis, and cannot be stopped. Yes, you understand the state's definitions for these things are essentially worthless. Much legislation is unenforceable and ridiculous. But, pretend it matters and you'll win elections. You are only the servant, the messenger. Remember that. They pay you to pretend to give a shit.
But Marvin, if I may speak freely, for Democrats, it's not really about the issues. It's about style. It's a high school popularity contest won by charisma, emotion, and blurting enough statistics to get the "wow, he's smart" tag. Steal their hearts, confuse them a little, and their vote is yours. As for all the actual stealing, they don't need convincing. They already believe rich people's money belongs in your pocket, or their own, so you don't even need to convince them of this. By the time you take office, you already have the power to legislate the confiscation of millions from their paychecks before they even see it, and then compensate the executives that employ them for the trouble. Yes, it's a racket, but it has massive advantages on two fronts: 1) The poor think you're looking out for the little guy, and 2) The poor and middle-class actually grow poorer, become dependent on the state, and become more likely to vote for you. And...you know what..."
Max put his forearms on the table, leaned forward, half standing. He whispered loudly...
"There is absolutely no disadvantage to running on a 'robin hood' platform of stealing from the rich to give to the poor while actually doing the opposite. If you can do it, this is how you win in politics. It got me elected to office 6 times."
The senator leaned back again and pulled a bottle of Scotch from his drawer. He pulled the cork and poured it into two glasses, pushing one across the desk toward Marvin.
Marvin was stunned, but grasped the glass and both took a sip.
Max leaned back in his chair.
"But kid, let me tell you what...if you want to kick some ass, run as a Republican. A gentleman I admire once said: 'although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.' I wouldn't say they're 'stupid,' exactly, but conservatives tend to outsource their brains and virtue to organized religion and advance slowly in giant herds without really thinking. This means you can control massive numbers of them easily, which is a very good thing politically. Basically, Republicans are susceptible to a slightly less sophisticated fraud than the standard, "robin hood" Democrat. Where the Democrat asks government to define society, the Republican asks government to ‘do God's work.’ This is especially true of Christians; Protestant, Catholic, doesn't matter. While the most noble, thoughtful, and convincing pacifist individualist who ever lived is worshiped and hanging on the cross at the front of their churches, they generally ignore this in practice. They yield the entirety of their own brains, bodies, and souls to their pastor, congregation, and political party. Instead of serving this "God" character according to scripture, they are somehow capable of believing whatever some pedophile priest or Bill Oh Really tells them. They can be persuaded to fear anything, and are therefore obsessed with safety. This means you can count on them to blindly follow you in the violent pursuit of world domination for the sake of security. Don't chuckle. That's really what we're doing here. While Democrats are a virile breed of hypocrite, applauding you for stealing from their own pockets, Republicans have them beat in that arena. Republicans steal it and use it to perpetuate an oppressive, violent, globalist, authoritarian state diametrically opposed to the virtually-impossible-to-misunderstand core of their traditional belief system. Worshiping the decision to die on the cross, in the most horrific manner possible, rather than rule the world might seem like an obvious anti-imperialist clue. It apparently isn't. Modern American organized religion does well to obfuscate that fact. You might have the stomach to deal with such dangerous, paradoxical irrationality. I never did."
Max lifted his glass to his lips, sipping the golden liquor. Marvin, still shocked, tried to compose himself.
"Senator, can I ask just one question?
"Shoot, partner. That's why you came, isn't it?"
"Is there any hope?"
Setting the glass on the table, Max cleared his throat and tapped his finger on the desk...
"Is there hope? Heh. Don't kid yourself. For hope we'd need something I've never seen: a man with nothing to lose; no skeletons in his closet or sound bites to be taken out of context; no scandals or criminal record or even 'alleged' activities. He'd need to be squeaky clean to get through the media, the public. Let's see...no doubt, no fear, no weakness. He'd require faith in nothing...he'd know everything. Ha. But hell, a man like that wouldn't need government anyway. He wouldn't need an election. His authority would be obvious and the election would just be a formality. Let's see, he'd have compassion, humility, dignity. Now, I want you to imagine such a man. Just imagine him. Do you think he'd last two minutes in this place? This world? Hell no! He'd have a blaze orange target on his back. He'd be a prize buck in an open field surrounded by starving hunters with machine guns. The guy would have a death wish. Ha, is there any hope? What kind of question is that..."
Max held his glass and paused, looking up at his portrait for several long moments.
"But, you know what, Marvin, there’s good news. If you can rule it out altogether, you'll have greater success than I ever did. Alright, you got what you came for. Now, get the hell out of here. I've got work to do."
"[snort] Ahem...yes, come in."
Marvin cracked the door.
"Senator, do you have a moment."
"For you, Marvin, I've got two. Please sit down."
A relieved Marvin walked into the office, which was rich with dark woodwork and leather furniture. He sat in the large armchair in front of the mahogany desk. The senator leaned back in his chair, casually observing the young gentleman. Marvin's head was tilted up and to the side, observing the new painting on the wall beside them.
"Marvin, just look at that portrait. Isn't it lovely? Majestic. Powerful. The adept strokes and rich hues present nobility beyond reproach, don't they? It's not only the image of a man, but the body of his work, even the integrity of his soul. The man is blameless and perfect, his every fiber built for the honorable, selfless service of mankind. You know, that portrait will likely endure longer than anything that gentleman has ever done. It will probably leave an honorable legacy more persuasive than anything he has said or written. Marvin, I believe that in the future, some will mistake the man in that portrait for me, don't you think?"
"It is a lovely portrait sir, and captures you well."
"You're too kind. Really. You want to know how I did it, don’t you."
"A talented, um, painter?"
"Quite right, I suppose. Yes, the painter. He needs to look into the subject's eyes, and see him not for who he is, but who he would like to be...his essence, his soul. A very good painter can see beyond the surface; dig deep to capture whatever glimmer of humanity remains beneath the bruised and battered shell of a man that defines his actual existence. You know, Marvin, beneath the ugly, rotten surface, most men carry some remnant of this true soul. Most men cling to some spark of decency deep within, like a tiny, perfect diamond in a mountain of cold, black, coal. For those of us without it, a painter of exceptional talent is required. The artist, failing to observe any goodness at all in his subject must rely purely on his own."
The senator paused, looking into space in what became an uncomfortable silence for the young intern.
"Pardon me. Senator? You are saying that..."
"I am saying that if you win, I recommend a good painter."
Marvin was caught off-guard. He nodded, trying to comprehend the strange advice. The senator regained focus.
"Marvin, if you intend to do well in politics, dissolve any remnant of such a diamond. Republican, Democrat, Independent, it doesn't matter. The careers of good men in this profession die instantly, like dogs. Whatever brought you here, your belief in 'goodness' or 'service' or 'virtue,' is your weakness. My colleagues and I shred men like you before breakfast. If you expect to see a painting of yourself like the one hanging on that wall, you will abandon any concept of 'morality' or 'goodness' and consider the merits of pragmatism, preservation. Only when you can do that will you be begin to succeed. I suspect you believe that, theoretically, once a foot is in the door, you could do 'good.' But, son, by that time, it is far too late. It is a shame that all rookies dismiss this fact until they see it for themselves, then look back upon the welded hatch that forever forbids them from returning to the naive, innocent world left behind. A sad fact, indeed."
Marvin nodded slowly. Max took a deep breath and continued...
"You say you are 'independent' and 'libertarian.' You believe the people can govern themselves. I made this mistake when I was your age. Obviously, they cannot govern themselves, or we would not be here, sitting on fine leather furniture. I will save you some time: abandon this nonsense at once. If "the people" knew or cared what was best for themselves, they wouldn't have cheered every time I took their money and spent it on fine leather chairs. If they knew what was best for themselves, they wouldn't put up with any of us. Marvin, make no mistake that whoever sits in this office has the unenviable job of assembling the plundered excrement of society from some available trough to sling it randomly over the heads of mankind in general. The one who shovels the most shit gets re-elected by the select few who benefit from the slinging. I represent the 25% of the people in my district who like to steal from the other 75%. How do they do it? They VOTE! They have the time and inclination to look over our shoulders. Your job, as senator, is to ensure the plundering continues by convincing the plundered 75% that they are not being robbed. Talk about children, use the word "elderly" a lot, and "security." So long as they don't look at their paycheck too closely, and they never do, they will remain seated upon their sofas being harmless, and probably watching our party propaganda. Remember this: they beg for it with their silence. Their silence is their consent, and your mandate, for whatever you prefer to buy with their silence. After the election you will use their silence to drain them for every dime you can and redistribute whatever is necessary to those 25% of the voting few who are paying attention.
Oh, and remember, give a token amount to some large charitable organization in a highly-publicized way to keep up appearances."
Marvin was speechless, paralyzed in his chair.
"Run as a Democrat, Marvin, if you want an easier job. Democrats are two trick ponies. You're libertarian, so the first part will be easy: tell them gays can marry and women can have abortions. They'll support you. Why? Because most Democrats think the state defines society. Therefore, lead your attack with false promises and attractive, popular, ideological delusions. You know...call it "reproductive rights" and "gay rights" as if they need your permission to engage in their preferred behavior. It works. I mean, you know the facts. You know any two women can cohabitate, fertilize themselves (naturally or artificially), and perform ceremonial abortions on a regular basis, and cannot be stopped. Yes, you understand the state's definitions for these things are essentially worthless. Much legislation is unenforceable and ridiculous. But, pretend it matters and you'll win elections. You are only the servant, the messenger. Remember that. They pay you to pretend to give a shit.
But Marvin, if I may speak freely, for Democrats, it's not really about the issues. It's about style. It's a high school popularity contest won by charisma, emotion, and blurting enough statistics to get the "wow, he's smart" tag. Steal their hearts, confuse them a little, and their vote is yours. As for all the actual stealing, they don't need convincing. They already believe rich people's money belongs in your pocket, or their own, so you don't even need to convince them of this. By the time you take office, you already have the power to legislate the confiscation of millions from their paychecks before they even see it, and then compensate the executives that employ them for the trouble. Yes, it's a racket, but it has massive advantages on two fronts: 1) The poor think you're looking out for the little guy, and 2) The poor and middle-class actually grow poorer, become dependent on the state, and become more likely to vote for you. And...you know what..."
Max put his forearms on the table, leaned forward, half standing. He whispered loudly...
"There is absolutely no disadvantage to running on a 'robin hood' platform of stealing from the rich to give to the poor while actually doing the opposite. If you can do it, this is how you win in politics. It got me elected to office 6 times."
The senator leaned back again and pulled a bottle of Scotch from his drawer. He pulled the cork and poured it into two glasses, pushing one across the desk toward Marvin.
Marvin was stunned, but grasped the glass and both took a sip.
Max leaned back in his chair.
"But kid, let me tell you what...if you want to kick some ass, run as a Republican. A gentleman I admire once said: 'although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.' I wouldn't say they're 'stupid,' exactly, but conservatives tend to outsource their brains and virtue to organized religion and advance slowly in giant herds without really thinking. This means you can control massive numbers of them easily, which is a very good thing politically. Basically, Republicans are susceptible to a slightly less sophisticated fraud than the standard, "robin hood" Democrat. Where the Democrat asks government to define society, the Republican asks government to ‘do God's work.’ This is especially true of Christians; Protestant, Catholic, doesn't matter. While the most noble, thoughtful, and convincing pacifist individualist who ever lived is worshiped and hanging on the cross at the front of their churches, they generally ignore this in practice. They yield the entirety of their own brains, bodies, and souls to their pastor, congregation, and political party. Instead of serving this "God" character according to scripture, they are somehow capable of believing whatever some pedophile priest or Bill Oh Really tells them. They can be persuaded to fear anything, and are therefore obsessed with safety. This means you can count on them to blindly follow you in the violent pursuit of world domination for the sake of security. Don't chuckle. That's really what we're doing here. While Democrats are a virile breed of hypocrite, applauding you for stealing from their own pockets, Republicans have them beat in that arena. Republicans steal it and use it to perpetuate an oppressive, violent, globalist, authoritarian state diametrically opposed to the virtually-impossible-to-misunderstand core of their traditional belief system. Worshiping the decision to die on the cross, in the most horrific manner possible, rather than rule the world might seem like an obvious anti-imperialist clue. It apparently isn't. Modern American organized religion does well to obfuscate that fact. You might have the stomach to deal with such dangerous, paradoxical irrationality. I never did."
Max lifted his glass to his lips, sipping the golden liquor. Marvin, still shocked, tried to compose himself.
"Senator, can I ask just one question?
"Shoot, partner. That's why you came, isn't it?"
"Is there any hope?"
Setting the glass on the table, Max cleared his throat and tapped his finger on the desk...
"Is there hope? Heh. Don't kid yourself. For hope we'd need something I've never seen: a man with nothing to lose; no skeletons in his closet or sound bites to be taken out of context; no scandals or criminal record or even 'alleged' activities. He'd need to be squeaky clean to get through the media, the public. Let's see...no doubt, no fear, no weakness. He'd require faith in nothing...he'd know everything. Ha. But hell, a man like that wouldn't need government anyway. He wouldn't need an election. His authority would be obvious and the election would just be a formality. Let's see, he'd have compassion, humility, dignity. Now, I want you to imagine such a man. Just imagine him. Do you think he'd last two minutes in this place? This world? Hell no! He'd have a blaze orange target on his back. He'd be a prize buck in an open field surrounded by starving hunters with machine guns. The guy would have a death wish. Ha, is there any hope? What kind of question is that..."
Max held his glass and paused, looking up at his portrait for several long moments.
"But, you know what, Marvin, there’s good news. If you can rule it out altogether, you'll have greater success than I ever did. Alright, you got what you came for. Now, get the hell out of here. I've got work to do."
Friday, October 8, 2010
Citizens For Authoritarianism
Over the last several hundred years, or even longer, the global population has been increasingly obsessed with the so-called "individual." Since Christ on the cross or earlier, a radical element in the human collective has toiled to convince us that this "individual" has some sort of mystical sovereignty beyond the understanding of legitimate organizations of collective power. They profess some invisible authority "within the human spirit" that stands in defiance of real, worldly power, and claim its strength can exist within even the most meek among us. Of course, whenever they are pressed to explain the source of this "power," they cannot identify it, exposing the obvious fraud. They mumble something about "rights" or "faith" or even "love" of all things, characteristically invoking sad appeals to emotion. When pressed further, they grow frustrated, even enraged, and are finally reduced to tears when they reach the limits of their capacity to rationalize and fabricate.
Pathetic.
If you have some justification for individual human rights, simply say so. I'm listening. I would be delighted to hear what "one man" can be worth compared to thousands marching in step. Sensible people know the truth. The individual is nothing. He is an ant to be stomped upon. An individual has the right to die a miserable martyr like this ancient, acetic, insufferable masochist they worship. Pain. Misery. That is all. That is the best they can do. The truth is apparent. No one wants what the individualist is selling.
There is no such thing as the "individual." Aristotle was quite right when he famously said: "he who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god." If you are a god, show me. If you are a beast, then die. "You" are a part of "we," and if there were no "we," you would be nothing. That is the nature of your existence–an obscure speck on the surface of a gigantic spherical organism. If and when you become a parasite to this organism, it will consume you like a grain of sand beneath a tidal wave. The choice is obvious: conform or die. It is so blatantly obvious that anyone who cannot understand it cannot be reasoned with. They are savages, barbarians unworthy of the body of man. By their insolence, these maligned anarchists seek death, and they encourage us to join them. One incapable of understanding this cannot be "human," and are therefore a parasite to be managed.
This is the very nature of my struggle in this insane, irrational world–to advocate the assimilation of parasites into the body of the living human collective. When an employee has a problem, the company has a problem. My humanitarian effort is to conform the parasites so that they can be saved from inevitable extermination. To this end, I have founded a new organization.
Citizens For Authoritarianism
Even the most degenerate and insolent dog of a human is susceptible to the fear of physical death. That is why I have founded Citizens For Authoritarianism. This humanitarian organization encourages rule by terror and force for the sake of survival in these very difficult times. It strives to crush all opposition to its authoritarian ruler, and suppress all threats to authority with swift and thorough retaliation. Its mission is to assimilate every possible potential human that is available. Unfortunately, it is known that not all humans can be assimilated. Therefore, after all true humans have been assimilated, the remainder of bipedal, human-like creatures will be swiftly exterminated.
Why should you join Citizens For Authoritarianism (C4A)?
We are just like you. We like safety, and there is no safety like safety in numbers. In the school of fish of humanity, you want to be right in the middle. Let the shark eat the miscreants on the fringe. You don't need to rock the boat. You don't have any crusade to fight. Be sensible. Rather than make many difficult decisions about how to run your life, just make one: join Citizens For Authoritarianism. You'll be glad you did.
Who is a C4A member?
Honorable and true humans in the C4A community are easy to identify. They work for a large corporation or government department. They recycle and compost to save the world. They are members of either a large fundamentalist religious organization or a liberal activist organization or both. They are good at following directions. They color between the lines, and they will press the "chop" button on the machine that instantly decapitates thousands of children (not "real" human children, of course–but ones that look just like them). Why will they press the button? Because that is what they were told to do. They respond to mortal threats reasonably, by cowering with fear, and remain loyal to authority under all circumstances. These true humans are already signing up in droves to be foot soldiers in the Citizens For Authoritarianism institution.
What is "assimilation," and how does it work?
A "parasitic human-like creature" is pathetic and paranoid. They ask questions. They do strange things. They are "kooky." They waste valuable time thinking about nothing of importance when they should be acting. The "true human" is loyal and instantly obeys the orders of the authoritarian. Assimilation is the conversion from a "parasitic human-like creature" to a "true human." This is done in four stages...
How do I join?
Contact the leader of your mega church, environmentalist organization, national political action group, corporation, or public academic institution. You will be given orders explaining how to assimilate more parasites in order to save them from extermination. Thank you for considering Citizens For Authoritarianism.
Pathetic.
If you have some justification for individual human rights, simply say so. I'm listening. I would be delighted to hear what "one man" can be worth compared to thousands marching in step. Sensible people know the truth. The individual is nothing. He is an ant to be stomped upon. An individual has the right to die a miserable martyr like this ancient, acetic, insufferable masochist they worship. Pain. Misery. That is all. That is the best they can do. The truth is apparent. No one wants what the individualist is selling.
There is no such thing as the "individual." Aristotle was quite right when he famously said: "he who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god." If you are a god, show me. If you are a beast, then die. "You" are a part of "we," and if there were no "we," you would be nothing. That is the nature of your existence–an obscure speck on the surface of a gigantic spherical organism. If and when you become a parasite to this organism, it will consume you like a grain of sand beneath a tidal wave. The choice is obvious: conform or die. It is so blatantly obvious that anyone who cannot understand it cannot be reasoned with. They are savages, barbarians unworthy of the body of man. By their insolence, these maligned anarchists seek death, and they encourage us to join them. One incapable of understanding this cannot be "human," and are therefore a parasite to be managed.
This is the very nature of my struggle in this insane, irrational world–to advocate the assimilation of parasites into the body of the living human collective. When an employee has a problem, the company has a problem. My humanitarian effort is to conform the parasites so that they can be saved from inevitable extermination. To this end, I have founded a new organization.
Citizens For Authoritarianism
Even the most degenerate and insolent dog of a human is susceptible to the fear of physical death. That is why I have founded Citizens For Authoritarianism. This humanitarian organization encourages rule by terror and force for the sake of survival in these very difficult times. It strives to crush all opposition to its authoritarian ruler, and suppress all threats to authority with swift and thorough retaliation. Its mission is to assimilate every possible potential human that is available. Unfortunately, it is known that not all humans can be assimilated. Therefore, after all true humans have been assimilated, the remainder of bipedal, human-like creatures will be swiftly exterminated.
Why should you join Citizens For Authoritarianism (C4A)?
We are just like you. We like safety, and there is no safety like safety in numbers. In the school of fish of humanity, you want to be right in the middle. Let the shark eat the miscreants on the fringe. You don't need to rock the boat. You don't have any crusade to fight. Be sensible. Rather than make many difficult decisions about how to run your life, just make one: join Citizens For Authoritarianism. You'll be glad you did.
Who is a C4A member?
Honorable and true humans in the C4A community are easy to identify. They work for a large corporation or government department. They recycle and compost to save the world. They are members of either a large fundamentalist religious organization or a liberal activist organization or both. They are good at following directions. They color between the lines, and they will press the "chop" button on the machine that instantly decapitates thousands of children (not "real" human children, of course–but ones that look just like them). Why will they press the button? Because that is what they were told to do. They respond to mortal threats reasonably, by cowering with fear, and remain loyal to authority under all circumstances. These true humans are already signing up in droves to be foot soldiers in the Citizens For Authoritarianism institution.
What is "assimilation," and how does it work?
A "parasitic human-like creature" is pathetic and paranoid. They ask questions. They do strange things. They are "kooky." They waste valuable time thinking about nothing of importance when they should be acting. The "true human" is loyal and instantly obeys the orders of the authoritarian. Assimilation is the conversion from a "parasitic human-like creature" to a "true human." This is done in four stages...
- Ostracization
- Public ridicule
- Terror
- Extermination
How do I join?
Contact the leader of your mega church, environmentalist organization, national political action group, corporation, or public academic institution. You will be given orders explaining how to assimilate more parasites in order to save them from extermination. Thank you for considering Citizens For Authoritarianism.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"Individuals are always stupid."
Individuals are always stupid.
Dr. David Acheson
Assistant Commissioner for Food Protection
(Food Safety Czar)
Food and Drug Administration
U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services
Dr. David Acheson
Assistant Commissioner for Food Protection
(Food Safety Czar)
Food and Drug Administration
U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services
This lovely little quote is from a spot on the Colbert Report regarding the raid of a raw foods store in California (Rawsome foods).
In the bit, he candidly explains how "raw milk has led to serious illness and death...ecoli, salmonella, diphtheria," how "the FDA is composed of public health professionals" and "is interested in protecting the public and public health." He calls any accusations about the FDA being under the umbrella of the WHO or the U.N. "nonsense."
Here is the quote in the context (presented by Colbert):
Rawesome employee: "If we're all adults, why can't we choose to drink paint if we want to?"
Mr. Acheson: "Individuals are always stupid."
I'm going to assume Mr. Achenson, being an individual, didn't really mean that.
I think he is really saying "people who depend entirely upon their own faculties do not benefit from the specialization provided for them by social partners, and are therefore stupid."
Fair enough, David?
If so, we are in agreement. We are exponentially smarter because we all benefit through the collaboration of specialized individuals. I learned not to drink paint without even having to try it for myself. I don't need to carry water in a bucket from the lake because water treatment professionals pipe it in for me. Everyone is smarter and more capable and more free because of specialization.
But, is raiding a market of willing buyers and sellers benefiting this social collaboration?
The assumption, made by this David individual, is that some buyers will be unintentionally harmed by this "unsafe" collaboration, and, therefore, "all of us" will be less-well-off as a whole if this collaboration is permitted. What has happened is very simple: David has responded to a demand, by the people, to save themselves. He is simply responding to a legitimate need for safe food. The only problem is–he is doing it very, very poorly...
We all want safe food. Why does getting it require men with guns?
There is a correct answer.
Because we lacked the leadership and imagination that could have otherwise peacefully responded to the true demand for safe food.
Here's what really happened: no businessman had the balls to invest in a real, large-scale, quality-control business (as prevalent in other industries). As such, the issue struck the bargain-basement social safety net of government responsibility, and we all suffer from this stagnant, unchecked, authoritarian, armed government food safety monopoly.
Rather than respond to real public demand, bureaucrats manufacture an estimate of the public demand. They basically say: "people want 'safe' food, so that is what we will give them." Then, they get together to define "safe," author verbose works of fiction, and, if you don't agree with their story, they brandish a weapon. Their narcissism, believing that they know what is best for you, is one culprit.
But, they couldn't have gotten their without your tacit consent. You, the American citizen, is culpable for begging your government for a food safety handout. You gave your hard-earned money away to thieves with guns who write laws that they can shoot you for violating. What the hell did you expect? Safer food is not free. TNSTAAFSL (There's No Such Thing As A Free Safe Lunch), and, in this case, your payment is not only the scourge of taxes ripped from your wallet, but the harassment of armed soldiers.
Is that really the price of safe food?
Consider a non-authoritarian approach. Any quality-control company would immediately recognize the demand for safe raw milk. Competing quality-control companies would jump at the chance to be the first to provide safe raw milk. (Unsafe raw milk is most common in large, industrial farms with drugged-up cows). Consumers, none of whom wish to get sick, would highly value the company's identification of a safe raw product, and pay a fair price for it. Yes, safe raw milk would be expensive, but you could actually buy it.
In our current authoritarian system, you cannot buy "safe" raw milk. Because of laws, no quality control company has the incentive to illegally establish an underground "safe raw milk" certification program. No, instead, you trust the individual farmer who offers the black market raw milk. The farmer is also the quality control specialist because the government effectively prohibits specialization in this field.
How is this collaboration with social partners?
According to their site, the FDA is responsible for...
protecting the public health by assuring the safety, effectiveness, and security of human and veterinary drugs, vaccines and other biological products, medical devices, our nation’s food supply, cosmetics, dietary supplements, and products that give off radiationWhat about the "safety" and "security" of the raw milk portion of our nation's food supply? If raw milk is not suitable for consumption, why call it "food" in the first place? Classify the stuff as a type of white paint. Everybody knows not to drink paint. "You drank raw milk? Why would you do a stupid thing like that? You had it coming." Let the crazies do what they will with their raw milk. If labeling "milk" a type of "paint" prevents the raiding and pillaging of innocent people, I say do it! This new legal definition is no less of a fiction than your other ridiculous legislative compositions.
David Acheson is correct that an individual is stupid. He is stupid when he believes he can force another not to harm himself. So blithe an error seems easily dispatched, but is the lifeblood and justification for all governance. It is proven wrong in every case, yet we cling to it. We acknowledge and champion the truth intuitively in all great works of art, movies, novels. Yet, in practice, we are terrified of it. We continue have faith in this grand fallacy that other individuals are stupid and unworthy of the opportunity to earn their own lives. We cannot stop the suicide bomber, yet, we believe we can stop the man from drinking from an udder. In practice, our terrified, apathetic, nihilistic will continues to worship this great golden calf and believes it has the divine power and inclination to save us from ourselves. It cannot. When we replace the "we" for "I" I it is obvious that David Acheson is full of shit. You are not stupid.
I'm going to go drink some paint.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
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