Learning Dramican

Sir, I can't understand you. You are speaking Dramican again, a language that is quite unfamiliar to me. With all due respect, it is obscure and unintelligible. We have been unable to learn it for several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that you have no inflections and you have long words the length of paragraphs. I am from Earth and I speak English. Can you please explain yourself in a language I can understand?

Mrfreezburoufhdfkjhdkfjsdfnibblersnarfigan.

I am afraid I didn't catch that...

Mrfreezburoufhdfkjhdkfjsdfnibblersnarfigan.

I must say this is quite frustrating. They say you have the answers to all our questions. They say you can reveal the true nature of mankind and the universe, and that in your skull exists the key to total understanding. This is why we have brought you here. This is why we are feeding you live boa constrictors, your favorite terrestrial delicacy. This is why we are housing you in Earth's most extravagant subterranean hotel while expending great expense to offer you your native high-ammonia atmosphere. You should feel right at home in your chamber. How do you like your methane pool? We keep them dialed to a balmy -162°C, just as you like it.

Yes, that is nice.

Very well, now, can you say what you just said in English?

[slurp]

Our best interpreters say something rather disturbing. They report that you insist the secrets of the universe can only be expressed in your native tongue. They say you refuse to translate into English because words are not available to accurately portray your wisdom accurately. I have trouble believing that in the whole English vocabulary you cannot find any combination of words that can be arranged to express what you know.

I am afraid your interpreters are correct. Your language is insufficient.

Alright, fine. Can you demonstrate these things in mathematical formulas?

Certainly.

Let's see.

...

Alright, stop, stop, I get it. What about diagrams and abstracts?

Can't be done.

This is absurd. Why did we even bring you here? How do I know you aren't a fraud.

You don't.

Then why should I believe what you say?

Because I can do this...

Oh, yes, that's right. I almost forgot. You can levitate. Just a cheap trick.

Is it?

Damn you. Alright, out with it. Tell me how do you do it?

Sure, mrfreezburoufhdfkjhdkfjsdfnibblersnarfigan.

IN ENGLISH!

Can't you understand? There simply are no words. I am afraid you simply need to learn Dramican.

This is not acceptable. Humans are strictly forbidden from learning to speak Dramican. It is dangerous. Every human who has learned Dramican has lost their mind. After a short period in a mild euphoria they always devolve to hysteria, psychosis, and then total mental collapse. We all know that learning your language is destructive to human minds.

Is that so?

It has been documented extensively and is well-known by the entire mental health establishment.

Really? Or, perhaps humans simply aren't fit for Dramican.

Please explain. Or, is our language insufficient for that too?

Once a human learns Dramican, they easily recognize the truth and all the secrets of the universe are revealed. After a period of shock they find relief breifly, but then they recognize something very disturbing. They realize that they cannot express these secrets in their native tongue. They come to see that they are trapped in a lonely world surrounded by error and confusion. They seek others who speak Dramican, but finding no one, they become distressed. They flounder for a few weeks terrifying all of their friends with apparent nonsense until they experience what you define as a "catastrophic psychotic episode" which essentially removes them from society completely. To you and other humans, it appears as though these people lose their minds, but, nothing could be farther from the truth. As they become fluent in Dramican, they forget their native tongue slowly in favor of Dramican's simple beauty. They see things for what they are, and discover their native tongue is woefully insufficient. They see that Dramican is not a language that can be taught, only learned. Therefore, after a bout of grief and apathy, they emerge to full acceptance and abandon the 'real' world entirely. What you see as mental collapse is actually their choice to accept the truth and forget the last vestige of their former 'civilized' self.

You are insane.

You are correct, there is no sanity in your world. And, tragically, no human can speak both English and Dramican, as there is no possible way to resolve the profound contradictions between the two. Only snake-eating, ammonia-breathing, methane-bathing aliens such as myself can tolerate the cognitive dissonance required for such radical switch-hitting. We really only do it for those delicious constrictors. Yum. So, anyway, the choice is yours. Learn Dramican and know how to levitate while abandoning society in an accelerating state of mental psychosis, or go about your daily life in ignorant, grounded bliss. You cannot have your constrictor and eat it too.

I'll have lasagna, thank you, in a chair, with four legs each of which is touching the ground.

Snarfugluscitranglifugiamn.