Definitions

The question isn't whether or not we need truth to live; the question is whether life without truth is worth living...

I heard that somewhere recently, or read it, or something. My immediate response was one of all out rejection and contempt. I will always prefer my particular delusion over any type of empirical truth, no matter how unpopular or how refutable by logic or science thank you very much. Drag me over hot coals and into a lava flow and I will believe I am simply going for a lazy swim until the last of my cerebral cortex is consumed by the molten rock. But, that's nothing unusual. People always choose whichever delusion serves them best. It's like a natural law or something.

I find it ironic that in the movie The Matrix, we are asked to believe that everything we have ever known is a delusion. I did choose to suspend reality, for a moment, and believe that a subterranean society exists in the real world, and all humans are actually batteries powering the ubiquitous population of machines that have conquered our world. Even if this were, in fact, the actual truth, we would still need to be tricked into knowing it through some very clever delusions and mediocre acting. Then, we all return to our pseudo-reality as we walk out of the movie theater and go about our lives, remembering that actually we are nothing but chunks of flesh and bone trapped in billions of slimy cocoons and thanking the writers of The Matrix for making our delusion that much more convincing and intricate. After watching that movie, with a frosting of reality television, we might even be more immune to discovering any vestige of fact-based truth among this grand fantasy of ours. But, some contend truth does, nonetheless, exist, so let's explore...

Let's look at something everyone believes is true...money. We use it every day to acquire things and to snort coke. I always thought money was one of those real, actual things. Then, I realized it is an arbitrary thing whose value changes based on the decisions of very over-rated specialists; specialists who specialize in being popular with large masses of people rather than economics. The fact that our money is a lie is not even a fact our government tries to hide. It is well known that the US dollar is a fiat currency. In Latin, Fiat means "let it be." In terms that could be understood by most humans, that actually means bullshit. Money, my friends, is a delusion as sure as The Matrix.

To make a long story short, money is just one of the things that I personally used to think was real and now know is not.

But then, if everything we formerly thought was true ends up being a delusion, consider the ramifications. Since the word "truth" still exists, we simply need to look at the relative truth of the things that we once thought were not. In other words, since money is a delusion, doesn't this make movies like The Matrix just a little more true by definition?

It's Friday and I have beer to drink, or I would digress...

Gravity

Gravity is a strange thing.

You can't see it, or hear it, or smell it, or touch it...but it is everywhere.

It surrounds us always, afflicting our every move, and there is nothing we can do to escape it. Here we are, living amongst this slurry of space-time, perpetually subject to its power as it grabs us and drags us toward some giant rock spinning in space. It doesn't compromise or change in shape or attributes. It is static and reliable, without shame or pride. It usually prevents us from floating, which is probably why we enjoy floating so much. And, even humanity's most intelligent physicists don't know exactly what it is.

One might find it amazing we have learned to live amongst this immutable, morpheus manifestation if it didn't define the movement of every physical object in the universe. Perhaps it is actually far from amazing that we can tolerate it. In fact, I suspect our lives would be much more intolerable without it...

Consider the following example. Without gravity you cannot pour yourself a beer. How tragic is that? Consider beer floating in blobs of liquid deliciousness inches out of reach. You are thirsty, and can even smell the floral hop aroma, yet, you are hopelessly doomed to die of thirst floating in some crazy twirling axis near your objective.

Thankfully, we have gravity. Actually, everything that has mass has gravity. This is good, not just on earth, but also in the vacuum of interstellar space, which I frequent when Earth's gravitational pull gets in the way...

For example, if I am drifting toward the Andromeda galaxy and a rogue asteroid of a similar mass to myself is floating from Andromeda toward me...and, say this is the most awesome asteroid in the universe with a keg of Surly Darkness and an attractive bar with a tap...it will tend to gravitate in my direction without any encouragement whatsoever. Now, it won't fall towards me from light years away, but only as its delicious cosmic maltyness approaches my gravitational sphere. If we are on a direct collision course we are both dangerous projectiles which may shatter one another upon impact like unfortunate Hadron particles...even if we were only traveling a few thousand meters per second. Most likely, this delicious spectacle will approach and drift just close enough for me to gaze upon its sparkling, polished draft mechanism and pint glass perched upon an oak bar with a bronze rail. I will watch it pass harmlessly by.

Though it passes I do not despair, for I estimate our speed is not great enough to escape one another's gravitational field. Like a comet around the sun, the last bead on the chilled pint glass will not have evaporated before it makes a return visit. And, it will always drift by again, likely a bit closer and brighter, even close enough to see the silly logo of a disgruntled beer drinker on the side of the keg. (Naturally, refrigeration is not required due to the already low temperature of interstellar space.) And, as it passes, I watch it depart from view again, knowing its path and calculating my own trajectory.

Of course, the asteroid is not only captured in my gravity, but I also in its, and we will continue to revolve around one another like a binary star, increasing in velocity, until my hand can approach the tap handle at which time I will savor 5 ounces of the world's most delicious Russian Imperial Stout. Yum.

Of course, by this time both me and the bar will be spinning around one another at several thousand revolutions per minute, as the effect is much like a spinning figure skater retracting into a spindly blur. But, in fact, we will be stationary and the universe will be spinning violently around me and my sweet malt beverage, which I will enjoy in complete peace somewhere between the Milky Way and Andromeda until the two themselves collide, which is estimated to occur roughly 3 billion years from now.

When on Earth I sometimes revel silently of my voyages trouncing about the cosmos. Although I cannot always plot my own course, nor that of my objective, I can take comfort in the fact that, of cosmic-like things, there is no escaping the inevitable. Some things fly by never to be seen again, others strike us directly, causing giant red raspberries, and still others subtly cross our event horizon from the most remote of places, occasionally without our knowledge.

One thing is certain: Beyond that indiscriminate point in time and space the laws of physics cannot be changed, as wily and unpredictable as they are. I may hope for the impossible beery asteroid or curse the inevitable direct hit. But, the law does not hear my pleads or my screams. I might even listen closely to hear it chuckle at the insanity of my presumptions and remember that some things are not mine to release or to restrain...or rather, nothing is. Instead, celestial bodies simply are, and frequently have no choice in the matter but to accept what they must, enduring all with whatever minuscule capabilities are available to them.

But, I consider the possibility that if we accept our fate, and welcome that which we know we must, there just may be a moment or two available to us, in our lifetimes, when those eternal laws may be suspended in favor of our own (adhering to the most rigorous standards of plausibility and only when absolutely necessary).

Good is Dumb

There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance. -Socrates

If what Socrates said is true we have an excellent loophole here. This means that we can do no evil willfully. It contends that we always do what we consider is for our own good. Sure, we may understand that that 7th shot of vodka will give us a hangover, but we still drink it. We may know we risk lung cancer by smoking. We may know that robbing a car could put us in jail. But, while we are doing something, we always believe it is for good and not for evil. If evil can only be the result of ignorance, it suggests a thrilling possibility:

Our most sinister plan, so long as it is done willfully and without ignorance, is entirely for the good.

This is a lovely fact, and a great relief, but also a bit disappointing. Evil, being so much more fun compared to good, has occupied my entire worldly effort...or rather, what I thought was evil. Now that I realize it was not evil so much as I understood it, I am much less enthralled by it. Perhaps I enjoyed evil simply because it was evil, and now that I know it was not necessarily evil, I am no longer as drawn to it. Much worse, in attempting to participate in evil I was learning things, which, according to Socrates, is the exact opposite of evil.

If I could prove Socrates wrong on this I could be very rich and famous, I think. If I could intelligently, without ignorance, do harm to myself, his theory would be completely disproved. Yes, that shall be my goal...to disprove Socrates by blatantly and knowingly harming myself! I will be rich, rich, rich! But, wait, if I succeed in this goal, and become very wealthy and famous, assuming fame and wealth are not harmful, I will be foiled. I will have succeeded in doing good after all. Damn.

In order to be truly evil I need to be as active and as ignorant as possible. But, how do I be both ignorant and effective at the same time? True evil requires I flagrantly overlook some valid truth or fact, but, to do that I need to consciously remember to avoid thinking of that fact. To avoid thinking of a fact requires a very potent deception of one's own mind. Actually, to remember to forget something is not possible at all.

I know. Perhaps I can assume, since I don't know everything, that all actions are evil. After all, it is impossible to remove all ignorance, right? I am the first to admit that persistent ignorance pervades my every waking moment. In fact, I am currently faced directly with my own ignorance. I just realized that doing evil willfully is impossible because it is synonymous with ignorance (of which we cannot will). But then, since I am almost infinitely ignorant, I almost simultaneously realize that all my actions are evil by definition because I am always somehow ignorant.

But, this is good. This means that I can pursue evil actively without worrying about any lack of ignorance. In fact, since no amount of knowledge will ever allow me to remove ignorance completely, I can ferociously dedicate myself to learning how to most effectively produce evil with no worry of ever doing the slightest bit of good. Yes, I approve of this, and can now resume the evil of which I was formerly engaged.

Learning Dramican

Sir, I can't understand you. You are speaking Dramican again, a language that is quite unfamiliar to me. With all due respect, it is obscure and unintelligible. We have been unable to learn it for several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that you have no inflections and you have long words the length of paragraphs. I am from Earth and I speak English. Can you please explain yourself in a language I can understand?

Mrfreezburoufhdfkjhdkfjsdfnibblersnarfigan.

I am afraid I didn't catch that...

Mrfreezburoufhdfkjhdkfjsdfnibblersnarfigan.

I must say this is quite frustrating. They say you have the answers to all our questions. They say you can reveal the true nature of mankind and the universe, and that in your skull exists the key to total understanding. This is why we have brought you here. This is why we are feeding you live boa constrictors, your favorite terrestrial delicacy. This is why we are housing you in Earth's most extravagant subterranean hotel while expending great expense to offer you your native high-ammonia atmosphere. You should feel right at home in your chamber. How do you like your methane pool? We keep them dialed to a balmy -162°C, just as you like it.

Yes, that is nice.

Very well, now, can you say what you just said in English?

[slurp]

Our best interpreters say something rather disturbing. They report that you insist the secrets of the universe can only be expressed in your native tongue. They say you refuse to translate into English because words are not available to accurately portray your wisdom accurately. I have trouble believing that in the whole English vocabulary you cannot find any combination of words that can be arranged to express what you know.

I am afraid your interpreters are correct. Your language is insufficient.

Alright, fine. Can you demonstrate these things in mathematical formulas?

Certainly.

Let's see.

...

Alright, stop, stop, I get it. What about diagrams and abstracts?

Can't be done.

This is absurd. Why did we even bring you here? How do I know you aren't a fraud.

You don't.

Then why should I believe what you say?

Because I can do this...

Oh, yes, that's right. I almost forgot. You can levitate. Just a cheap trick.

Is it?

Damn you. Alright, out with it. Tell me how do you do it?

Sure, mrfreezburoufhdfkjhdkfjsdfnibblersnarfigan.

IN ENGLISH!

Can't you understand? There simply are no words. I am afraid you simply need to learn Dramican.

This is not acceptable. Humans are strictly forbidden from learning to speak Dramican. It is dangerous. Every human who has learned Dramican has lost their mind. After a short period in a mild euphoria they always devolve to hysteria, psychosis, and then total mental collapse. We all know that learning your language is destructive to human minds.

Is that so?

It has been documented extensively and is well-known by the entire mental health establishment.

Really? Or, perhaps humans simply aren't fit for Dramican.

Please explain. Or, is our language insufficient for that too?

Once a human learns Dramican, they easily recognize the truth and all the secrets of the universe are revealed. After a period of shock they find relief breifly, but then they recognize something very disturbing. They realize that they cannot express these secrets in their native tongue. They come to see that they are trapped in a lonely world surrounded by error and confusion. They seek others who speak Dramican, but finding no one, they become distressed. They flounder for a few weeks terrifying all of their friends with apparent nonsense until they experience what you define as a "catastrophic psychotic episode" which essentially removes them from society completely. To you and other humans, it appears as though these people lose their minds, but, nothing could be farther from the truth. As they become fluent in Dramican, they forget their native tongue slowly in favor of Dramican's simple beauty. They see things for what they are, and discover their native tongue is woefully insufficient. They see that Dramican is not a language that can be taught, only learned. Therefore, after a bout of grief and apathy, they emerge to full acceptance and abandon the 'real' world entirely. What you see as mental collapse is actually their choice to accept the truth and forget the last vestige of their former 'civilized' self.

You are insane.

You are correct, there is no sanity in your world. And, tragically, no human can speak both English and Dramican, as there is no possible way to resolve the profound contradictions between the two. Only snake-eating, ammonia-breathing, methane-bathing aliens such as myself can tolerate the cognitive dissonance required for such radical switch-hitting. We really only do it for those delicious constrictors. Yum. So, anyway, the choice is yours. Learn Dramican and know how to levitate while abandoning society in an accelerating state of mental psychosis, or go about your daily life in ignorant, grounded bliss. You cannot have your constrictor and eat it too.

I'll have lasagna, thank you, in a chair, with four legs each of which is touching the ground.

Snarfugluscitranglifugiamn.

Paddling

I want to go back.

I am also pleased to report our 'divert and evade' plot involving tree chopping and island sinking was not required due to the last-minute procurement of a one-evening overnight permit on Saganaga. The reason for our change in plans relates to the fact that the extra permit cost $60, and the explosives required to sink the island were considerably more expensive. As it happened, the lives of at least two rangers were spared because of the low price of the permits, which we presented to them instead of what would have been a grizzly alternative. They were very pleasant and delightful, and it would have been a shame to have to send them to a cold and watery grave.

Thank you, Michaela, for your encouragement and endorsement of our sinister plan. We danced under the moonlight as outlaws anyway, in fact, as our Monday permit was for Saganaga Lake only and yet we forged ahead to the forbidden Ashdick Lake. Our hideout on Ashdick (we nicknamed it "Dirty Cock Lake"), was a formidable portage from civilization; a necessary measure to evade the authorities and ensure we were not occupying any sites likely pursued by legal permit holders. As it happens we shared this secluded gem with no one except some loons and a mysterious beaver (we mistook it for an otter at first) that totally convinced me Sean was hurling rocks into the lake from a few yards down shore to mess with me. Moments later I accused him of this as we both witnessed its formidable paddle of a tail crash against the quiet water in front of us as it dove for whatever it was looking for, not bothered by us a bit. The loons hardly noticed us either. It was a surreal union with nature, surrounded constantly by little sounds of woodland creatures, enormous footprints of hoofed beasts, and crazy-looking insects. All in all, we were nothing more than a few additional mammals traipsing through the wilderness with all the others, fleeing dangerous predators and pursuing much-desired prey. We did achieve our reward as Sean's photographs so beautifully depict, but nothing compares to participating in what became a spectacular adventure. I want to go back.