The Treatment

"So doc, if you had to give me a number, what would it be? I mean, one in a hundred, a thousand?"

"Sir, you are terminally ill. There is no hope. Zero. I'm sorry."

"But, well, what about some anomaly? I mean, hasn't one person in my condition recovered?"

"Sir, you have a condition known as life. No one has ever made it out alive."

"Oh, well, hm. So, they probably just haven't figured it out, right? Maybe they just need to try something different...like a natural medicine?"

"No, I'm afraid no herbs can help you any more than anyone else."

"How about lots of vitamins?"

"Afraid not."

"What about yoga, meditation, juicing?"

"Nope, nope, and nope. Sorry, your condition is permanent."

"Why are you doing this? Can't you give me any hope? Aren't you the least bit sympathetic?"

"Very. I have a bad case myself."

"Of what?"

"The same disease you have. Life."

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be."

"Are you treating it?"

"Well, yes, I am. Self-medicating you might say. It's very experimental. It is my own design."

"Oooh! Tell me how! Tell me tell me!"

"No."

"Come on doc, why not?"

"Because the treatment is very specific. It is different for each individual."

"Oh, but I'm just like you! I want a treatment too!"

"You may be just like me in some ways, but very different in others. The side effects could be disastrous."

"I don't care about side effects. I need the cure."

"It's not a cure, it only deals with the symptoms. To have any chance at helping I would need to run a bunch of tests. I would need to ask questions and we would need to consider everything from genetics to your psychological profile. I'm sorry, but life is a disease that manifests itself in very different ways. It spiders its tendrils all over you. You are the host of a parasite that cannot be stopped. It has taken me a decades to learn how to treat myself, and sometimes it does more harm than good."

"Do you administer treatments yourself?"

"Oh, all the time. Every day I administer at least some kind of treatment."

"Oooh, ooh, tell me tell me! I need to hear."

"No, I would be responsible for the damages. It's not professional. I can't do it."

"PLEEEEAAASE!"

"Alright, damnit, sign this waver. It means that nothing I say is medical advice, alright?"

"Oh yes. Okay, here I sign. Now, tell me how you treat yourself."

"You are not going to believe me."

"Tell me."

"Alright, here goes. Every day I do one thing that I have never done before, you see? That's it."

"That's it?"

"Yes, that's it. I think of something unique and interesting...sometimes boring, sometimes as outrageous as possible...and then I do it. That's all. Are you happy?"

"That's not very specific. That could be anything. Not fair."

"You got that right."

"Does it work?"

"Sometimes."

"Well then, tell me more. What sort of therapy do you have in mind for today?"

"Well, you're my last appointment, so I need to figure that out."

"I have an idea. You could tell me all the things that you have ever done so I could get a bunch of ideas. I'll bet you've never done that before!"

"Nope, not therapeutic. I was thinking a stroll to some hidden spot to enjoy the air, woods, water, think about life."

"How do you cure a disease by thinking about the disease itself? What kind of treatment is that!?"

"It's a pesky one, and requires thought. You see, I'm still discovering my own particular manifestation of the disease. I cannot treat what I cannot diagnose."

"By why do you need woods and water for that?"

"I don't know why. Sometimes I just know. I know, not very scientific. But, that may be my best advice. In order to manage this disease, you need to learn to diagnose your own manifestation and then you may be able to discover the treatment."

"But this is a terrible, deadly disease? You want to go for a walk? Why not go hot air ballooning? Why don't you go scuba diving or something? While your playing, this disease is winning. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"Maybe. Well, like I said, your treatment will probably differ, and results do vary. I can't know if hot air ballooning is best for you. Maybe you already know what you require. Sir, it's after 3:30. I'm afraid I have done all I can for you. In fact I believe I have offered more than any doctor could be expected to prescribe, and my last patient is waiting?"

"But I thought I was your last patient."

"Not quite."