Friday, January 16, 2009

Hommids

They look and act exactly like humans. If you saw one on the street you would not be able to tell the difference. Appearance, language, stupidity, it's all there. Only last week DNA tests revealed these guys are not homo sapiens at all according to science, but a completely different humanoid species. Hommids branched off from ancient primates hundreds of thousands of years ago along a thick humanoid branch of the evolutionary tree. They have lived in isolation for hundreds of thousands of years inside a single caldera in Africa.

Does he like White Castle?

His favorite. He's eying your chicken rings, and doesn't care that they are a highly processed synthetic food-like substance that will shorten your life. He would break through the safety glass for a taste if he wasn't restrained. We feed them nothing but foods found in their native environment...mostly root vegetables.

Why is he restrained?

They don't respond well to captivity. And, his death clock is almost up. There is one specific genetic difference between humans and hommids. Hommids live to be exactly 65 years old...to the minute. It's programmed in their DNA.

Always 65, huh?

Well, 65 is their maximum age. They usually get there unless they have a heart attack or something. But, at age 65 they don't just die...they explode.

Explode?

In a horrific display of bone, blood, and guts. It's bad. Moments before the explosion, the mutation turns their blood into a powerful acid which eats through flesh, maiming or killing everyone in proximity. One of these guys went off in Times Square the other day...killed 5. We covered it up as a blown gas pipe. Their whole society has moved from their native caldera to New York city. We have been trying to round them up.

He doesn't look a day older than 40.

Hommids appear to be middle-aged for 98% of their lives. I assure you, this one's about to blow. You can tell because he is willing to do physical harm to himself in order to approach us. He knows what's up, and wants to take us down with him. That's the problem...

He looks pretty angry.

He is. Very angry. We are keeping him from his death ritual. In the caldera, all Hommids lived their 65 years under a very strict set of guidelines. They did everything according to a planned series of events designed over thousands of years to ensure every one lived to age 65. Then, on their 65th birthday, they would walk deep inside a sacred cavern to explode safely, so that they did not harm others. It was a celebration of sorts.

Doesn't sound like much of a life.

Right, sounds pretty boring. But, nowadays these guys have no sacred cavern to enter on their ol' sixty-fiver. Instead, they tend to walk into executive's offices or board rooms. Some have even run for political office, just to gain access to a political figure.

So, they are esentially choosing murder as their final act?

Well, only the very few who are angry enough. The thing is, hommids are extremely cheerful and friendly people by nature. If you met one, you would experience the most meek and humble figure, impossible of even the slightest insult. They go about their lives in almost complete obscurity, happy to be trampled on by just about everyone they meet in modern society. They are clerks, secretaries, middle management...normal people. Usually they walk out into the woods or something to explode. But, they are obsessed with justice and freedom...especially to practice their rituals. It is what kept them so peaceful in their caldera. If they feel a moral obligation to take down someone they believe is corrupt, nothing can stop them. Only they know the moment they will explode. One hommid was embracing a well-known drug lord while he detonated. Another was standing at a urinal adjacent to a serial killer outside of US jurisdiction.

BOOM!

Whoa...well. There he went. That was quite a show. It took down the brick wall next to him and shattered two panes of saftey glass. I wouldn't have wanted to be sitting next to that guy at a congressional session.

Nope.

2 comments:

Barmy said...

I swear there was a devoured heart last time I was here. Or maybe I am looney? I do know that 2 posts in 1 month is hardly enough to satiate the loyal.

Mark said...

Devoured heart? Nope. I have no idea what you're talking about.