Word to the Wise

Stay drunk throughout February. Nothing in this God forsaken month is worth being sober for, except maybe Groundhog Day. February 3rd to the 28 are the most miserable days of year aside from April 15, Christmas, and Valentines Day, which happens to be in murky depths of February's darkest hours. Holy crap that's today. Hm.

Anyway, that said, it is still not OK to do meth...even on Valentines Day. Please, if not for your own sake, for your mother's sake, for all our sake's do not ever do meth. EVEN IN FEBRUARY. Have some other kind of fun. If you are really bored, Here are some things to do as an alternative to meth.

• Have a few beers and drive down a rural country road with a shotgun blowing the hell out of road signs.
• Streak a church service. If it is Saturday night, hit a synagogue.
  
• Break into a public outdoor pool with a 5 gallon jug of gasoline. Call 911 and report an oil spill at the pool address. Wait 5 minutes, pour it in, and set it aflame. (Use a bottle rocket to ignite from a safe distance.)
  
• Eat bud brownies. Lots of them.
  
• Rob a liquor store. Use the cash to buy a hot air balloon. Sail into the unknown as far as you can.
• Grab some paint ball guns, find a friend with a boat, and hijack a cruise ship. Assemble the passengers and crew on the main deck, smash a bottle of Jack Daniels in front of them and christen it "The Bluto Boat." Pass out shot glasses and protective goggles. Fill glasses with booze. When someone refuses to drink, pelt them with a spattering barrage until they do.
• Go to White Castle.
• Dress up in suits and go to the fanciest restaurant in town. When they refuse to seat you, ask for the maitre d', have your buddies pin him to the largest, most crowded table, drop trow, and lay a Cleveland steamer on his penguin chest.
• Bring an elastic water balloon launcher to the opera. Sit in the balcony. Aim for the vocalists (not the pit).
  
• If you get arrested for any of the above, and are tempted to do meth before your court date, appear in a giant Big Bird suit instead.

The moral is...do not ever, under any circumstances, even while risking life and limb, even think about trying meth. Not in a boat, not in a moat, not ever, ever, ever. If you decide there is a chance you might try meth, please seriously consider doing any of the above as an alternative. If any of these prevent you from doing meth, it will have been well worth it and yes, less risky.

I will now step down from my soap box and continue loathing this depraved, brutal month.